In Marin County, a Deputy Sheriff is being buried today, because he went to the aid of a female friend of his who was being threatened by her abusive husband. In the process of trying to protect her, he was shot and killed by the abuser. Officer Mathiesen lost his life due to an abuser who has grown up entitled, lying, self-centered, with family and society members who have colluded with him by justifying behaviors and attitudes that were harmful. When are we as a society and as family members, going to stop colluding with this type of mentality and behavior?
We know that the sociopathic type abuser and anti social abuser are lethal – research has shown this. We know that abusers are raised and not born. Society needs to stop its thinking that the victim is at fault for intimate partner violence because they stay. We need to all be part of the solution to stopping individuals who think it is there right to abuse women, children, men, pets, seniors, and co-workers. The solution is for each of us, as individuals, to step up to the plate and give consequences and interventions to these individuals and not wait for others to do it. Is it dangerous? Of course it is, but what isn’t dangerous anymore? It is dangerous to go out for a walk for there are individuals who hide in bushes to rape, murder, kidnap, etc. But do we stop going out for a walk? No, but we are more careful as to where, what time, and who is around us when we do walk. We adjust to the hazards by becoming smarter about safety of us and others. If you knew there was a terrorist living in your neighborhood, wouldn’t you report that terrorist to the police, FBI, and anyone else who would listen to you? Then why not the terrorist that lives next door to you, who is abusing your family members, neighbors, co-workers, etc., instead of turning your head and hiding it in the sand?
Everyone has responsibility for changing intimate partner abuse. In California there is a law that states schools are to teach anti abuse education – yet they don’t. When I asked a high official in the Dept. of Education in California as to why this law was not being followed, the response I got was “because there is not enough money” to fund the programs in schools. “Not enough money” is not an answer when children, women, men and pets are dying every day due to abuse. Why aren’t we outraged by this? Why are we so complacent? One out of three young women will experience abuse before she graduates from college. Intimate partner violence is the leading cause of death for women in the workplace. Where is our outrage over abusers getting away with this? When are we going to value our women and children enough to make abusers so accountable for their attitudes and behaviors that they think twice before perpetrating their “entitlements” and “justifications” onto us as a society. Now men are abused as well, by intimate same-sex partners, and women. Men are beginning to come forward with their stories of abuse and share that being “manly or masculine” doesn’t mean secrets are kept because a woman is abusing them. Those are separate things that society has taught them go hand in hand. Being a man means to speak your truth and let abusive women know they are to be held accountable as well for their negative attitudes, behaviors and entitlements.
When society says that intimate partner abuse is not about women and men who stay in relationships because “they like it” and when the mental health profession trains their therapists, psychologists, social workers and staff appropriately in intimate partner abuse – and not just the little they put in their education classes ; when judges get trained in domestic violence thoroughly and not just the 7 hours mandated in California right now (which they think is adequate and is totally inadequate); when moms and dads stop passing down abuse from generation to generation; when schools actually teach abuse prevention and education as the law states they should; and when each of us take on the responsibility as members of a community who want abuse to end in our neighborhoods, schools, church’s, organizations; and yes, even when church’s and other religious organizations, become part of the solution and learn more about how to stop abuse and become partners with abuse prevention/education groups; then and maybe only then, we will stop looking at this pandemic issue as “someone else’s” issue and become “our” issue. Maybe then we can get families to stop passing IPV down from generation to generation and create happier, healthier, families, communities, and countries. What are you doing and what are you willing to do to make a difference? Officer Mathiesen gave his life in this effort. I honor him today for the sacrifice made for me and you!
