Courageous Teen Blog continued

Courageous Teen Blog continued

The hardest part in the healing process for me is all the little memories and moments with my mom. Especially in a family court system that is definitely not fair or just. It’s hard for me to process these “good” memories that I have of my mom because I’m not allowed to. By that I mean, I can’t relive or see the good side of my mom without the court twisting it into something it isn’t. I can’t tell the court that I love my mother but I don’t like her because what they here is that I love her. That’s the main part that I’m struggling with. They other parts, the parts that just are indescribably hurtful slow my healing. My mother had this specific scent that I always associated her with. I got a sample of lotion that I didn’t open until I was home. It was the same scent and I just shut down. I cried because in that moment I missed her a lot. Don’t get me wrong, my mother is an emotional abusive narcissist that I don’t want to be with. But small things like a packet of lotion or Mother’s Day are so hard. It’s not black and white in custody battles. Especially with my mother. She will fight tooth and nail to make sure that I don’t see my dad. Only because she knows it will hurt my dad and because I have certain redeeming qualities (my grades). That is what’s hard, knowing that my worth is determined by a report card to my mother. It hurts a lot. And yet still wanting to hug her after work like I used to. I’m still a kid but I’m not allowed to be a kid. I have to grow up because I’m placed in tough situations. Like a court room. I have to act like it’s completely black and white. That feelings aren’t complicated. That love isn’t even more complicated. Small things like a Mother’s Day email from Kohl’s or a damn packet of lotion are hard. They are literally the silliest of things and shouldn’t even matter. But it hurts because I’m brought back to such a deep memory that feels so real that I snap. I break down because I can’t feel like that. It’s a moment of vulnerability that will be seized and taken for something it’s not. It’s really stressful. To have to act like I’m completely ready to face my mother when I can’t. I’ll be able to pull through for necessary court proceedings. But that’s a problem in itself. How am I expected to stand in front of a podium in front of my mother when I’ve only just now been able to call her. Calling her just reinforced what I already knew and I wished it had gone differently. She lied to me about everything in that phone call and we fought. I just felt empty after it. Drained. That’s what my mother does, she sucks me in and drains me. My court situation is a problem but I have to fight so that I can heal successfully. Honestly, Mother’s Day is always gonna be tough for me and I’ll most likely shut down but I know that it’s gonna get easier. Someday that lotion packet will just be a lotion packet

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