As with other programs that offer recovery programs, domestic abuse offers the Batterer’s Intervention/Recovery Program to those who
hurt others through domestic abuse. Often times victims will ask how they know that their abuser has really told them the truth when the abuser states that they have “changed” and “want to come home.”
The following information is a guide that can help you as you make the decision whether or nor to let your abuser back into your home and
life. Or this information can be helpful in giving you insight to the possibilities of “manipulation” and “purposeful misinformation” being directed towards you through the words and predatory practices of abusers to achieve their goal of continuing the relationship using “power and control.”
Unfortunately the statistics for recovery from abuse are not very promising. The research shows that 3-11% of those who abuse actually take the help that they received in recovery and make permanent changes so that they are not longer repeat offenders. The odds that the abuser has actually “changed” are low which means that if you are in a relationship with an abuser, your odds of having one “change” are low as well.
So how does one know if their abuser falls into the 3-11% category and one can safely have them return to the home to work on repairing
the marriage or relationship that they helped to tear apart? Now notice the word “return” is used in the last sentence. If you have an abuser
living with you it is important that they live separately from you while going through recovery so that they can focus fully on their recovery. Not everyone has the desire to live apart from his or her spouse or significant other but let me explain why it should be a top consideration.
An abuser wants to have power and control over the family. As long as they are in the environment to use power and control with manipulation and justification thrown in the mix, why would they change? The environment itself creates an atmosphere
not to change! However, if the abuser is asked to leave that environment and to seek recovery while in an environment
free of having immediate “victims” present to continue the habit and learned bad behaviors, than the abuser can focus on the recovery steps needed for change.
Also, it when the abuser is out of the immediate family system, it gives the victims time to “breathe” and seek counseling and recovery
for their well being. As in the 12 Step Program for addicts and alcoholics, one must change their environment (by not going into the bar or neighborhoods where they bought and used drugs) as part of recovery.
There are other reasons as well but will not mention those at this time.
So what do we know is needed for change of behaviors that are abusive? The following are some steps that will help clarify whether you are being manipulated and lied to or if real desire for change is seriously being sought.
Step Outline:
- First
the abuser must admit that they are abusive - The
abuser must enroll in a 24 month recovery program and attend all sessions
without missing more than 3 sessions for the entire 24 month period - Then
there must be an attitude of humbleness and forgiveness (Moral Inventory
of abusive behaviors and effects on others) - There
must be a decision made – a desire for change - Must
be ready to remove defects and WORK the recovery steps - There
must be a removal from the environment where their abusive behavior toward
others was perpetrated and NO contact for at least six months to the
victims so the abuser can focus on his/her own recovery. - Counseling
from a professional experienced in abuse is sought and attained - At
least one year minimum apart from victim/s is necessary to show that there
is a pattern of change which is based on truth and not manipulation - Forgiveness
must be asked for humbly and without justifications - Documented
recovery reports made to victim/s from abuse counselor and therapist every
month or more often if necessary - Contact
with victims must be only as victims allows and desires – not as abuser
desires - If the
current relationship falls apart the abuser must notify a new relationship
partner that they have a past history of abuse for which they are seeking
help - If the
abuser does not have steady employment they must attain steady employment
as part of the “responsibility” of change. - All
drugs and alcohol use must stop - Take a
psychological evaluation to rule out mental illness
Once these steps have been followed and professionals have made documentation on the progress of recovery of the individual in domestic abuse, then the steps to repairing a relationship and family system can begin to be taken.
Without this guide to help you with the decisions facing you, the abuser can easily manipulate you back into the “cycle” that is so familiar to you both. The abuser knows how to “sweet talk” and “charm” the victim through years of practice and has no problem using those techniques learned over the years to once again take back the power and control desired.
