My daughter was to be married in 6 weeks when her fiancee’, Corey, passed away suddenly. It was a shock to all of us who loved Corey and who were looking forward to their wedding.
I can tell you that when the news came to me, I was in the middle of facilitating a training, and the shock wave of the magnitude of the news hit me, I went numb, I couldn’t think, all I could do was to stop the training, sit down and cry like a baby. It took literally seconds for a thousand thoughts to go through my mind of wedding plans that had been made – what were we going to do about those – my daughters utter, life changing experience as now her entire future had been altered – and my huge loss of a son that loved me like a son that was born to me. Then other thoughts I won’t share with you, came rushing in and my body reacted accordingly – doing nothing but sobbing and letting love and loss, out of my eyes, in the form of tears.
The stages of grief when someone passes away is the same as stages of grief for those who have had to leave their relationships due to domestic violence, sexual abuse, sociopathic type relationships and addictions. The ending of something that we all had invested love, hopes, dreams, “potential for” and other strong emotions attached to it, is life changing and future changing. Fears creep in among all of the emotions and we sometimes have to stop and take a deep breath before moving forward. We need to stop, take notes on where we were, where we are, and how to take care of ourselves right now before we can consider our future.
For those of us who have a strong spiritual base, we are blessed to have something to sustain us that others miss. We can rely on others who have similar beliefs to boost us, support us, pray for us, give us the “hope” that only a spiritual belief gives, and to be able to have us focus on the positive’s of life, death and a “reunion” for eternity with those we have lost to death. I have been blessed to have those individuals help me through my enormous grief and to rely on my belief system in God, to help sustain me and my daughter.
One of the lessons I have learned through the many grief experiences of my life is this: Grief is individual. It is not “cookie cutter” or “one size fits all.” Everyone is allowed to experience their grief in their way and no one can or should tell them how to do it. It is personal, will take them as long as it takes them to work through it, they will feel it the way they need to feel it, and it will have an effect on them that is different from everyone else. They will also express their grief in whatever way they need to and no one can tell them it is appropriate or inappropriate. I have heard such horror stories from clients, co-workers and friends, who have repeated some of the things well meaning individuals have said to them, that were unkind, inappropriate, and down right wrong.
So when you have someone that you know, or if it is you, who is going through the grief process, be kind to that person. Love them, give them you ears and arms if you feel awkward and don’t know what to say or do, let them know that they can express their grief however they want to, with no judgement from you. Be to them what you would want someone to be with you if you were vulnerable to a death experience or a death like experience. We are all on this planet together and need to remember that the experience that is taking place is part of life – so love and cherish our lives, our family members lives, and our other loved ones lives, for every moment we are given with them. Step outside your bias’s, anger, “justifications” and blaming, and just love. You never know when someone will be taken from you in a second and you will never have the opportunity to love them again.
When we can go through our denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance phases, we realize that we have been blessed in one way or another, by those we encounter every day and that life is to be enjoyed and lived. You are stronger than you think, you have friends who are incredible, and you are a person that the world is giving an opportunity to, who has a choice for positive influence or negative influence. Embrace who you are, what you offer, and learn from mistakes and make your life and your community better. Depression is not forever. For all of you going through a grief experience, go to support groups, don’t focus on the negative, but celebrate the life lived, life you have, and life that will be lived. There is a song that states, “Don’t worry about tomorrow, God has already been there and will see you through it.” I love that song and hope you find comfort in that thought.
