Surviving a Suicide’s Devastation – Loved One’s Left Behind!!
Recently I had a friend commit suicide. Then approximately a week later, the world received the news of Don Cornelius’s suicide in Los Angeles. No matter who does the act of suicide – those left in its horrible wake have thoughts and emotions that they have to deal with.
Sometimes in life, events occur that we don’t understand, yet fracture the very foundation on which we stand. Those closest to the individual who did the act of suicide, have their lives, as they have known it to be, forever changed and find themselves in an unexpected struggle, first to survive the shock, horror and other emotions they experience, and then the ability to move forward.
Find support groups and service that provide healing support for people coping with the shock, excruciating grief and complex emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one to suicide.
It is important to know that people can and do survive loss by suicide. They are forever altered and may never stop missing their loved ones, but they do survive and go on to lead meaningful and contributory lives.
Those friends and extended family members of the survivors should and need to recognize and respect the courage and resilience of suicide survivors at all stages of their personal journeys. Their recovery is not how you would recover, not on your time frame, not in your “way” possibly, and is very individual. To be loving and supportive one needs to just “be there” when needed and not impose personal thoughts and agenda’s on those grieving.
Here is something I saw on a suicide recovery site that I want to repost and share:
the Circle
From within the circle, we talk about the past, I hear cries for fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters and friendships we thought would last.
And we ache for the arms of a loved one of a time too short lived and of questions left more piercing than a knife. Oh, the questions come hauntingly, pressing your mind, when a loved one takes their own life.
In the Circle I dare reach out my hand.
In the Circle help me see there’s a plan for me.
And my story becomes yours as we struggle through the pain.
In the Circle, we remember their names. We have daydreams of the future about how we thought it might be, with regrets of conversations that might have been the key.
We are angry and confused as we struggle for our breath. Our hearts cry out in anger in what has been labeled a senseless death.
We have good days and bad days, and without a trace, in the circle, tears and smiles meet as we gather strength together.
Sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters and friendships felt deep in our souls, memories and moments left clinging to us, and questions of how to let go.
Sometimes there is no warning from someone depressed and considering suicide. Sometimes there are warnings and here are some very good ones to be aware of:
Suicide Warning Signs:
• Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
(Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.)
• Talking or writing about death or suicide.
• Withdrawing from family and friends.
• Feeling hopeless.
• Feeling helpless.
• Feeling strong anger or rage.
• Feeling trapped — like there is no way out of a situation.
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
• Abusing drugs or alcohol.
• Exhibiting a change in personality.
• Acting impulsively.
• Losing interest in most activities.
• Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
• Experiencing a change in eating habits.
• Losing interest in most activities.
• Performing poorly at work or in school.
• Giving away prized possessions.
• Writing a will.
• Feeling excessive guilt or shame.
• Acting recklessly.
It should be noted that some people who die by suicide do not show any suicide warning signs.
But about 75 percent of those who die by suicide do exhibit some suicide warning signs, so we need to be aware of what the suicide warning signs are and try to spot them in people. If we do see someone exhibiting suicide warning signs, we need to do everything that we can to help them.
If you or someone you know exhibits several of the suicide warning signs listed above, immediate action is required. Always take suicide warning signs seriously.
Remember that an unthinkable tragedy has befallen you or someone else you care about. Someone has intentionally ended their life. Loved ones are experiencing indescribable anguish. At times the weight of grief is almost suffocating. You or someone close to the victim of suicide may wonder if you/they can live through it … or if you/they want to. You/they may feel that there is no hope that you/they will ever feel joy in life again.
These feelings and so many more are normal for what has happened. Suicide compounds our grieving, making it almost unbearably difficult. It is different from grief resulting from other causes of death. In a sense, we have two griefs to resolve. We grieve for the fact that a loved one has died and we grieve the cause of that death … the fact of suicide, and all suicide means and all society perceives it to mean. And so, in the beginning, for most of us, the fact that our loved one killed his/herself is a greater grief than the fact they are dead. We are overwhelmed with our own sense of omnipotence…surely we could have done something to prevent the death … or something we did or failed to do caused our loved one to die.
Understand that those who end their life, in most cases, are suffering from terminal illness … depression. Often misunderstood and judged but a terminal illness just as cancer and heart disease are terminal illnesses. I don’t pretend to know all about suicide … but I do know some things suicide is not. It is not a wish to be dead and away from us. It is not a choice in the sense we may, at first, define choice … but suicide is often the result of a most desperate need for relief from the tremendous emotional pain symptomatic of depression. Mistakenly believing there is no relief but death a loved one has ended their life. And, of course, many of us blame ourselves or others for not knowing, foreseeing or for not acting upon concern … for the lost opportunity to help.
The journey toward healing is long and fraught with despair, peaks and valleys, friends who stand by us, and those who don’t. Believe that there will be a time when you won’t hurt as badly as you do today. Your life is forever changed … but it’s not over. There is a time ahead when you will laugh again, feel joy and find pleasure in living. You will never forget or lose the memories, but will find that they have a “place” in your life and heart. Find the support and comfort you need if you are grieving from the death of a loved one or friend.
Surviving a Suicide’s Devastation – Loved One’s Left Behind!!
Recently I had a friend commit suicide. Then approximately a week later, the world received the news of Don Cornelius’s suicide in Los Angeles. No matter who does the act of suicide – those left in its horrible wake have thoughts and emotions that they have to deal with.
Sometimes in life, events occur that we don’t understand, yet fracture the very foundation on which we stand. Those closest to the individual who did the act of suicide, have their lives, as they have known it to be, forever changed and find themselves in an unexpected struggle, first to survive the shock, horror and other emotions they experience, and then the ability to move forward.
Find support groups and service that provide healing support for people coping with the shock, excruciating grief and complex emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one to suicide.
It is important to know that people can and do survive loss by suicide. They are forever altered and may never stop missing their loved ones, but they do survive and go on to lead meaningful and contributory lives.
Those friends and extended family members of the survivors should and need to recognize and respect the courage and resilience of suicide survivors at all stages of their personal journeys. Their recovery is not how you would recover, not on your time frame, not in your “way” possibly, and is very individual. To be loving and supportive one needs to just “be there” when needed and not impose personal thoughts and agenda’s on those grieving.
Here is something I saw on a suicide recovery site that I want to repost and share:
the Circle
From within the circle, we talk about the past, I hear cries for fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters and friendships we thought would last.
And we ache for the arms of a loved one of a time too short lived and of questions left more piercing than a knife. Oh, the questions come hauntingly, pressing your mind, when a loved one takes their own life.
In the Circle I dare reach out my hand.
In the Circle help me see there’s a plan for me.
And my story becomes yours as we struggle through the pain.
In the Circle, we remember their names. We have daydreams of the future about how we thought it might be, with regrets of conversations that might have been the key.
We are angry and confused as we struggle for our breath. Our hearts cry out in anger in what has been labeled a senseless death.
We have good days and bad days, and without a trace, in the circle, tears and smiles meet as we gather strength together.
Sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters and friendships felt deep in our souls, memories and moments left clinging to us, and questions of how to let go.
Sometimes there is no warning from someone depressed and considering suicide. Sometimes there are warnings and here are some very good ones to be aware of:
Suicide Warning Signs:
• Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
(Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.)
• Talking or writing about death or suicide.
• Withdrawing from family and friends.
• Feeling hopeless.
• Feeling helpless.
• Feeling strong anger or rage.
• Feeling trapped — like there is no way out of a situation.
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
• Abusing drugs or alcohol.
• Exhibiting a change in personality.
• Acting impulsively.
• Losing interest in most activities.
• Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
• Experiencing a change in eating habits.
• Losing interest in most activities.
• Performing poorly at work or in school.
• Giving away prized possessions.
• Writing a will.
• Feeling excessive guilt or shame.
• Acting recklessly.
It should be noted that some people who die by suicide do not show any suicide warning signs.
But about 75 percent of those who die by suicide do exhibit some suicide warning signs, so we need to be aware of what the suicide warning signs are and try to spot them in people. If we do see someone exhibiting suicide warning signs, we need to do everything that we can to help them.
If you or someone you know exhibits several of the suicide warning signs listed above, immediate action is required. Always take suicide warning signs seriously.
Remember that an unthinkable tragedy has befallen you or someone else you care about. Someone has intentionally ended their life. Loved ones are experiencing indescribable anguish. At times the weight of grief is almost suffocating. You or someone close to the victim of suicide may wonder if you/they can live through it … or if you/they want to. You/they may feel that there is no hope that you/they will ever feel joy in life again.
These feelings and so many more are normal for what has happened. Suicide compounds our grieving, making it almost unbearably difficult. It is different from grief resulting from other causes of death. In a sense, we have two griefs to resolve. We grieve for the fact that a loved one has died and we grieve the cause of that death … the fact of suicide, and all suicide means and all society perceives it to mean. And so, in the beginning, for most of us, the fact that our loved one killed his/herself is a greater grief than the fact they are dead. We are overwhelmed with our own sense of omnipotence…surely we could have done something to prevent the death … or something we did or failed to do caused our loved one to die.
Understand that those who end their life, in most cases, are suffering from terminal illness … depression. Often misunderstood and judged but a terminal illness just as cancer and heart disease are terminal illnesses. I don’t pretend to know all about suicide … but I do know some things suicide is not. It is not a wish to be dead and away from us. It is not a choice in the sense we may, at first, define choice … but suicide is often the result of a most desperate need for relief from the tremendous emotional pain symptomatic of depression. Mistakenly believing there is no relief but death a loved one has ended their life. And, of course, many of us blame ourselves or others for not knowing, foreseeing or for not acting upon concern … for the lost opportunity to help.
The journey toward healing is long and fraught with despair, peaks and valleys, friends who stand by us, and those who don’t. Believe that there will be a time when you won’t hurt as badly as you do today. Your life is forever changed … but it’s not over. There is a time ahead when you will laugh again, feel joy and find pleasure in living. You will never forget or lose the memories, but will find that they have a “place” in your life and heart. Find the support and comfort you need if you are grieving from the death of a loved one or friend.
