- Why do pastors struggle with confronting domestic violence? We know that perpetrators of abuse are master’s at manipulation,and are so good, that even courts, attorney’s, politicians and victims fall under their manipulative behaviors and words. So why would Pastor’s, who are fundamentally taught to have “tolerance, patience, love, and prayer” as tools to be used in counseling their parishioners, be no different than everyone else, and fall to the lies and manipulation of the abuser?
Some (but not all) of the reasons pastors don’t provide correct counseling responses to abusive relationships are:
- Domestic Violence is fundamentally unbelievable and incomprehensible to most people- even pastors.
- Because of this thinking – victim blaming happens and she/he must have “done” something to cause the abuse to begin since the perpetrator wasn’t doing it before the first time with this particular victim.
- When faced with a woman saying that her husband is abusing her, pastors must sometimes immediately and even instinctively assume that in some fundamental way the woman must be mistaken. Assuming that the wife’s perception was skewed, many pastors could subsequently feel that wives were “exaggerating, misunderstanding, rushing to unsupportable conclusions, too upset, or too emotional.”
- Another reason why pastors might give such “manifestly, egregiously, [and] cruelly wrong” advice, is because abusers are masterful manipulators and sociopaths and pastors are not trained to know how to identify them, much less counsel them. Men who abuse their wives are typically the friendliest, most sincere, open, warm, kind, generous, good-natured people … And guess who’s at the top of the list of people the abuser is determined to fool?
- The pastor, who is very much inclined to love and trust people. Most pastors don’t stand a chance against a perpetrator of domestic violence.
- Out of desire to honor the institution of marriage, and a belief that even the worst situation can improve by the power of Jesus – pastor’s want to try to save the marriage and see the couple come back together in a happy marriage
- Other factors: Pastors think spousal abuse only happens in certain kinds of families; pastors haven’t thought enough about the gray area between “submit” and abuse; pastors believe what they preach; and pastors simply aren’t trained on domestic violence.
- Also, there is abuse in homes of pastors/clergy, and it is a career that can easily “hide” the abuser from preying eyes.
But before categorizing all pastors into one mold, Dr. Heath Lambert, assistant professor of Biblical Counseling at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, differentiated three unique scenarios that could have occurred between the pastor and the abused wife.
- “They mean the best, but they blow it.”
- In the next scenario, the advice could have been given by a good pastor but advice was misunderstood.
- “This is a complex and multi-layered response, but we can imagine that a scared wife would only hear the last goal, and not the other three.”
- The last alternative could be that the counsel was bad advice given from a bad pastor.
“There is no guarantee that someone is any good at being a pastor just because they work under a steeple and have a sign on their door that says ‘pastor.’ This is the case for any person in any occupation whether engineers, physicians, teachers, or lifeguards. Not every individual is the best potential representative of the line of work in which they serve.”
Good pastors need to be careful in how they communicate the counseling goals to a woman who is fearful in the aftermath of domestic violence.
Pastors need to be clear that the goal is to deal with the problem … care for hurting women and their children, to keep them safe at all costs, and to help them know how they can live for the glory of Jesus Christ even in desperate and dangerous times.
In the last alternative, where women are mistreated by their husbands and then mistreated by their pastors, “victim’s twice-over,” the victim needs to find a better pastor or a more educated pastor who knows and understands the dynamics in abuse and relationships.
In regards to pastors not thinking enough about the gray area between “submit” and abuse, the professor Lambert stated that there was actually no connection between biblical ideas of submission, authority and abuse.
“The Bible repeatedly urges those in positions of authority to be servants full of love.” Quoting Ephesians 5:25 and Matthew 20:25-28, “Paul tells husbands to ‘love their wives as Christ loved the church.’ Jesus says to those in authority, ‘You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you.’”
“‘But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.’”
“There is no endemic connection between authority and abuse,” Dr. Lambert clarified. “We do not assume that a boss at work is malicious because of his position of authority over his employees. We do not assume a teacher in school is abusive because she has charge over her students.”
The Bible makes it clear that Jesus Christ, who is God the Son, submits to the Father, but the Father honors and gives glory to the Son. The relationship that exists within the triune God, therefore, shows that it is possible for there to be submission among two co-equal persons without any abuse of power.”
It is not enough however for Christians to simply desire that pastors did a better job handling issues of domestic violence, theological seminary’s must also help them obtain the training necessary for doing so.
When abuse happens, a pastor should move quickly to correct abusers with church accountability and legal consequences. To those who had been abused, pastors should minister the tender mercies of Jesus while dealing with pain and devastation of abuse, and provide resources beyond their own capabilities to handle, for healing and safety. Pastors should offer tangible help to victims and perpetrators of abuse: helping women out financially, providing a safe place to stay, individual counseling, help with children. Making sure the abuser is enrolled in a 52 week batterers program, receiving individual therapy for his learned abusiveness, etc. All of these things need to be on the radar.
Clergy can have confidence … that the Bible partially equips them to understand what abuse is and how to minister to marriages affected by it. But training must go beyond Biblical word; it includes Biblical, psychological, and behavioral understanding of the dynamics of abuse, the abuser, and the victim of abuse.
To get more information on training your congregation, pastors, and ministry leaders, contact Dr. Kathie Mathis, Psy.D, DD, CAMF, CDAC, NCP at www.drkathiemathis.com
