“Right now, you’re searching for words of comfort because your heart is broken. But soon, this season of your life will come to an end. You will be in a new season. You’ll remember the past with love and a twinge of sadness…but if you allow yourself to heal, you will enjoy a new season in your life.”

I recently went to a memorial service for a special woman who impacted my life as a young girl. She was a good friend with my mom and I considered her an “aunt” even though we weren’t blood relatives. Her family and mine were close and her children were like my extended family since I have known them since I was six years old.

At the memorial for this wonderful woman, I was surrounded by love from others for her and the family, but also I was surrounded and filled with feelings of being that “young girl” again, living memories of being six years old and growing up with their family and mine together. There were other long time life friends in attendance as well, contributing to my feelings and memories of years past which I value and cherish. It is those people and shared experiences that have helped me become who I am today.

At this memorial it also brought back memories of my own mothers passing and the loss I felt and still feel. Fighting back my emotions and tears for the loss of the most important person in my life, my amazing mother, I was also aware of needing to be there for my “adopted” family members. And this got me to thinking. Grief is not something we want to experience, but will experience no matter what we want. Being alive means we are going to have loved one’s who pass on and strong emotions of mixed love, grief, loss, fear of what the future will be like without them, and more all combine into grief. Most of us don’t know what to say to another when they are experiencing their loss, not to mention how to manage our own emotions at the same time.

So one of the things I have found helpful is know that I don’t have to say anything supportive, but instead ask them what, or if there is anything, I can do to help them. Let them tell me what they need rather than me trying to figure out those things different to everyone who experiences grief. This gives both parties “ease” during this time.

I also know rituals are important in processing grief as well. Whether it is looking at pictures of the one who passed, talking about the person’s emotions and loss, sharing stories that make you laugh involving the person who passed, having a celebration of life event/party, writing poetry about the person, etc. Rituals are a passage “process” tool.

The main thing to remember is your love for the people who remain and for the person who has passed. Your very presence and hug may be all that is needed in some cases.

Here are eight ways to help you support your friend in times of need.
1. Let go of time expectations. …
2. Recognize the stages of grief. …
3. Recognize the variables to grief. …
4. Resist telling them how strong they are. …
5. Offer the bereaved ways to memorialize. …
6. Ask them what they need. …
7. Continue to check in on them. …
8. Recommend help.
1. Let go of time expectations.
The person grieving may struggle for longer than expected. If this happens, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may be for you, let them grieve for however long they need, knowing you won’t judge them for it.
2. Recognize the stages of grief.
Most people suffering a loss will go through these stages, often in no particular order and sometimes repeating stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Each one is healthy and necessary. The more familiar you are with these stages, the better equipped you’ll be to support your friend.
3. Recognize the variables to grief.
One person’s grief is never the same as another’s. Variables include the cause and length of death, the personal resiliency of the grieving person, what their previous experiences have been, how large their support network is and their relationship to the person lost. Be understanding of how this can change their experience of grief from your own or someone else you have known.
4. Resist telling them how strong they are.
We are often inclined to praise the person who appears to be coping stoically with a loss. The problem is that we need to allow them to be human and vulnerable sometimes, too. After all, there’s strength in letting out your emotions from time to time.
5. Offer the bereaved ways to memorialize.
Funerals and memorial services work to give support and closure to the bereaved. We can also memorialize in other ways, like planting trees, writing letters or having remembrance gatherings.

6. Ask them what they need.
It’s normal to feel you can guess what your friend needs based on what you might need in their position. Because we’re all different, it’s best to ask them what it is that you can do for them. If they say “I don’t know” or “nothing,” resist the desire to walk away in your frustration or worry. Just offer your support in whatever way you can and let them know that you will be there when they think of something.
7. Continue to check in on them.
At the time of a funeral, many people offer help and support to the grieving person. As the weeks and months pass everyone’s lives move forward and they generally forget to follow up on their offerings of help and support. Be the person who follows up. You don’t have to give all of your energy, but your caring will be appreciated and will provide untold comfort.
8. Recommend help.
There’s only so much a friend or family member can offer to someone who is grieving without putting too much strain on themselves. Gently suggest seeking therapeutic help to give them a special place to cope with their loss if they need to continue to talk about their emotions and others don’t want to hear anymore as they have processed their own grief.
Keep in mind that loss isn’t just felt through death. It can be the loss of a job, a divorce, the loss of an ideal or expectation and so much more. Loss is a difficult thing to work through and your role as a supporter is both unique and vital.
Grief – It is a personal and highly individual experience and how you grieve depends on:
*Your personality
*Your coping style and mechanisms
*Your life experience
*Your faith
*The nature of the loss
*What you have learned from others

SUPPORT COMES FROM…..

Turn to family and friends if you can lean and count on their support. Find those loved ones who support your grief and don’t avoid them. Accept their assistance and let them know what you need as they may want to help but don’t know how.

Turn to your faith and find comfort in its rituals, activities, and traditions. Praying, meditating, going to church and other spiritual activities are meaningful and help through the grief process. If you are questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to clergy or other religious community members who can help you.

Turn to a support group and join. Grief can be lonely and your sorrow is not always understood by others. So the support group provides environments where others are going through the same thing you are and can support you in your process. Contact your local hospital, hospices, funeral homes and counseling centers as resources for finding grief and loss support groups.

Turn to and talk to a grief counselor/therapist. An experienced and trained mental health professional can help you work through intense emotions and help you overcome obstacles in your grieving process.

Take care of yourself by:

Facing and expressing your feelings
Look after your physical health
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel
Don’t tell yourself how to feel
Plan ahead for grief triggers like “firsts” – anniversaries, Christmas/holidays, birthdays, etc. where the person will not be around. Plan “Honor” activities or ceremonies where you can talk about them and celebrate their life and your love for them.

GRIEF IS COMPLICATED

The grief you have for someone you have lost never completely goes away but it doesn’t remain center stage either. If the pain and loss is very constant and severe, if it interferes with your life resuming and you feel like you are stuck, then you may have a condition known as “complicated grief.” This is being stuck in a state of intense mourning, where you cannot accept the death long after it has occurred or are preoccupied with the person who died so that it disrupts and undermines your “living” life and other relationships. Seek help from a professional to assist you through this passage of life.

To help a friend means you need to be a friend. Don’t assume anything and be “present’ for them as they go through a difficult time and passage of life. I want to end this blog with my friends and “adopted” family who just lost their mother. I leave the quote I started with for you and want you to know I am here for you as you need me:

“Right now, you’re searching for words of comfort because your heart is broken. But soon, this season of your life will end. You will be in a new season. You’ll remember the past with love and a twinge of sadness…but if you allow yourself to heal, you will enjoy a new season in your life.”

For my “adopted family” – We honor your mother and her amazing impact on us all. For others who are currently experiencing their own loss – we honor your right to your personal grief and loss and hope you surround yourself with those who love and support you.