Everyone communicates differently and when one gets upset one reacts differently to the event causing us discomfort. To create family unity, understanding that each family members communication style is important and to be aware of, that way we don’t react negatively due to ignorance.
4 Stress Styles of Communication
Take a look at each of the four communication styles described below. Think about how often you react that way when you are upset.
PLACATER: Eager to please, Apologizing
Says: “Please don’t be mad…”, “It’s all my fault…”, “Yes, anything you say…”
Feels inside: “I’m nothing by myself.” “I don’t want to be ignored or rejected.” “I have to keep the other person happy.”
Believes: “I’ll blame myself before you can blame me.” “Perhaps you’ll feel sorry for me or guilty about yourself.”
THE BLAMER: Blamer, criticizing, accusing, finding fault
Says: “You never do right…”, “If it weren’t for you…”, “You are so stupid…”
Feels inside: “I’m all alone.” “Nobody really likes me.” “If you hadn’t done…I wouldn’t have to…”
Believes: Demolish the enemy before they demolish you. The best defense is a good offense.
THE COMPUTER: Computer like – rigid, insensitive, overly technical, hard
Says: “What, me? Upset?”, “Let’s be reasonable…”, “I am not an emotional person…”
Feels inside: “I’m afraid of feelings, yours and mine.”
Believes: “You can’t get me if I don’t let you bother me.” Showing feelings is a weakness. “I’ll use big words and a cool manner to impress you. I’ll hide behind the facts.”
THE DISTRACTOR: Distractor, talkative, spacey, subject-changing, deflecting
Says: “Problem? What problem?” “Let’s talk about something else…”
Feels inside: “I’m scared of what may happen.” “I don’t know what to do.” “I’m not lovable.”
Believes: “If I ignore the problem, it will go away or get better. If I make things fun for you, you’ll accept me.”
Now after talking about these four negative communication styles, rate how much you tend to use each style when you are upset with other people in the blanks that follow. Put “1” next to the style that you use most often and then rank the other styles in order of use down to “4” – the style you use the least often.
____Blamer
____Placater
____Computer
____Distractor
Now focus on the two styles you rated highest (#1 and #2) to answer these questions:
#1. When was the last time I used this style? What kind of things did I say? How did the other person react?
#2. When was the last time I used this style? What kind of things did I say? How did the other person react?
It’s a good thing that we have a fifth, positive communication style that we can decide to follow instead of falling into one of the four negative styles.
THE LEVELER: Responsible, helpful, understanding, empathetic, mutual, good communicator
Says: “This is how I feel…”, “This is what I think…”, “This is what bothers me…”, “This is what I’m asking of you…”
Feels inside: “I accept myself.” “I respect the other person and their rights.” “I want the best for both of us.” “The relationship wins, not you or me, so we need to compromise…..”
Believes: “I can talk about how things are for me without blaming another.” “I can like other people, and want them to like me, without feeling I have to please them all the time. “I can say what I think and what I feel without hiding behind a mask. I can face and discuss problems instead of avoiding them.”
Good communication is part “good talking” (when you are sending a message), and part
“good listening” (when you are receiving a message).
GOOD TALKING
What is good talking? It is:
- Direct: to send a message that other people can be sure to “catch” – you need to say what you mean. Don’t go around “the barn” or don’t “curve” around the subject, only talking about it indirectly. Don’t drop hints. Don’t make people guess. Get to the point!!
- Non-Confused: Good talking is clear and doesn’t confuse the listener. To make certain people understand what you are saying, you need to describe things well. Make sure you say what you mean and mean what you say.
- Specific: Include all the important details when giving the information to the listener. Don’t be vague or general when talking. Include details that can help the other person know exactly what you are talking about.
- Honest: For your message to do the most good, it needs to be honest and what you feel and think. Don’t talk about things that don’t match the facts. Relationships are built on honesty and not dishonesty.
- Tactful: Don’t hurt someone unnecessarily. Being tactful means being polite. To talk well with someone, you have to think about their feelings and rights BEFORE you talk to them. You DO want to be direct, clear, specific, and honest with them. But you DON’T want to say things accidentally or on purpose to hurt someone unnecessarily.
Good talking is just half of what makes up good communication. Here is the other half of good communication called:
GOOD LISTENING
What is good listening? It is:
- Active: Don’t WAIT in conversations but be active by DOING your best to hear, understand, and help the other person who is talking to fully express what they want you to know. Listen and understand the words and meaning of the speaker.
- Attentive: Concentrate on what the other person is saying. DO make sure you get the whole message that they are sending. DON’T try to guess what they mean, ask clarification if you don’t understand. DON’T do something else while listening. For example, don’t plan on what you are going to say next, stay attentive or you might miss something important.
- Open: Good listening means that we give the other person freedom to speak and give yourself freedom to learn something new by listening. To accomplish this you must have an open mind – one that doesn’t refuse to hear certain things or has a closed mind. AFTER the speaker is done, you can decide whether or not to agree or disagree with what is being said. But WHILE the speaker is talking, you need to agree to fully listen.
- Respectful: Good listeners DO NOT interrupt a speaker in the middle of their sentence. Start speaking ONLY after the other person finishes a sentence and pauses. This way, you make certain that you hear everything the other person wants to say, and that they don’t make the other person feel worthless or angry.
- Careful: Being a good listener means you need to ask the speaker right away about everything you didn’t hear well, or that isn’t clear, or that you didn’t quite understand. Ask for clarification by stating, “I heard you say this…Did you mean….?” Say things empathetically: “I feel this way…..when you said…” or “I might feel the same way you do if…” or “I can understand your feelings on…but I want to be there for you. What do you need from me?”
Consider conversations you have with your friends, family and others. Ask yourself if sometimes you:
- Wait for the other person to stop talking without really listening.
- Think about what you are going to say next while the other person is still talking.
- Say to yourself that you are not going to listen to “this” (whatever the topic), while the other person is still talking.
- Interrupt the other person.
- Fail to ask the other person to repeat, clarify or explain when you haven’t understood something.
GOOD TALKING + GOOD LISTENING = GOOD COMMUNICATION
Relationships break down when people stop sharing information. Family unity depends on the sharing of information with good talking and good listening taking place. No matter how much two people like or love each other, no matter how much how much they have in common or have invested in their relationship together, the relationship can break down and get into trouble because of a breakdown in communication.
Remember to show:
- Appreciation: tell the other person something you like, or appreciate, about him/her. For example, “I love that I can trust you” or “Thanks for helping me clean the house” or “I love that you helped me with dinner” and so on.
- Give New Information: tell the other person what has happened since you last spoke that morning to the person. You don’t have to cover everything, but do share things that are important or interesting so the other person knows and feels a part of your life.
- Get New Information: talk about things you don’t understand. This is not complaining time but clarification time. You need to clarify and clear up by getting more information on what it is you didn’t understand or didn’t hear correctly. For example, “I didn’t understand what you meant when you said…” or “I was wondering what you meant when…”
- Requests for change: If something the other person did is bothering you, say what it is and AT THE SAME TIME suggest something better that he/she can do instead. A request for change is much easier to make when you also offer a solution. Use “I” talk instead of “you” talk and be specific. DON’T attack the other person PERIOD. Instead say how you felt about something or a particular situation, and what you think would help. “I didn’t like it when you left me alone at the company party. I would feel better if you would stay closer to me the next time because I don’t know anyone there.” Be sure to IDENTIFY the specific BEHAVIOR that bothers you.
- Share wishes, hopes and dreams: What we hope for in the future is important in our life. The other person may be able to help make it happen. But how can they help if she/he doesn’t even know what it is? The last step is to share this information and talk about things in the near future or far future that you would like for yourself and/or for the other person. Example: “I’m looking forward to our trip next weekend (or next month or next year).”
