Divorce is not easy for most people. It is a loss of dreams, relationships, hopes, fantasy, and a future vision of life. For children in the family of a divorcing couple, it is a loss as well. It must be grieved as a death would be grieved and a change of life as they know it – so adults must make the transition as easy as possible for the children.
When it comes to grieving, everyone reacts differently to a loss. Children are no different. Dealing with loss is a process, not the event of a judge’s decree of marriage end, so we need to respect the way a child process’s this ending. Don’t put your expectations and beliefs on the child, but rather, support them in their feelings, reframing the circumstances they find themselves in, creating supportive systems in their lives, and loving them through the process.
A recent article in the Huffington Post gave 7 ways to promote a sane and child focused divorce:
7 Tips to Promote a Sane and Child Focused Divorce
1. Understand what therapy is, what goals are and how therapists and clients work to achieve those goals. Choose a therapist you trust and support that therapist in working with your child.
2. Explain the transition in easy-to-understand ways for children; reassure them that they are loved and children can love each parent.
3. Model for your children how you want them to treat you. If you take the time to reach out and listen, you will have the answers
4. Take the money you would have spent on legal professionals in court and distribute to your children’s educational accounts.
5. Each parent needs to hear the voice of their children before they make decisions about activities, access, school, religion — this needs to be discussed. The center I direct uses a wonderful online tool to help parents focus on their children’s needs in a customized way and goes far beyond developing a comprehensive parent plan that serves as a road map throughout the co-parenting process.
6. Helping parents through transitions is a life-long process. Conflict, violence and hostility don’t support children; these behaviors destroy them. Every parent has a choice to take the “high road” and provide for their children the very factors that predict healthy divorce adjustment — the number one factor being that parents don’t put their children in the middle of their conflict.
7. Those of us who are parents know that it takes a village to raise children; it also takes a village to support parents through a healthy transition, one that includes letting go of the hatred, vengeance and retaliation.
Divorce doesn’t need to be the “end” for a child but rather a new “beginning” with love and support from those surrounding the child.
