Are you in a relationship with a psychopath or a sociopath and/or narcissist? All can be extremely charming and come across like Prince/Princess Charming at first. So unless you know the signs, you’d probably get “groomed” into the life of a socio/psychopath and not know who he/she really was until you are completely drawn into their web of deceit with soul trauma being the result if you stay too long in the relationship.
Here are 10 signs you should look out for to quickly identify this type of relationship.
1. Flattery like you’ve never heard before. They move extremely quickly. On the first date, he’ll probably tell you that you are stunningly beautiful, unbelievably intelligent, and are not like any other woman he has been with to date. He will play into every fantasy and insecurity you have. If you think you’re fat, he will tell you how much he loves your body. If you think you’re shy, he will laugh at every lame attempt at a joke and tell you that you have the talent to be a comedian. This is called “love bombing.” It’s the idealization phase or the “grooming phase” where he gets you hooked on, and it’s the phase you will spend the next however-many months or years trying to get back from once he abruptly shuts it off. If it is “she” then she will tell you that you are the most handsome, sexy, intelligent and powerful man she has met – not like the other men who never lived up to what being a “man” really meant.
2. He/she is just like you. They will try to convince you that you are soul mates, just alike. He/she loves all the things you love and you have all of the same interests. If you had a tough childhood, he/she will say something like, “We both had it rough. That’s why we understand each other; or our families sound so familiar and we have so much in common.” If there’s an obscure book/movie you love, he/she will make sure they love it too. What he’s doing is called “mirroring or regurgitation.” He/she has no real identity, so they suck yours up and mirror/regurgitate it back to you.
3. Pity/victim plays. Pay careful attention to what one says on the first few dates about their exes and other people in their life. Is his/her ex girlfriend/boyfriend crazy and stalking him/her? Did another “ex” rob him/her blind? Is his/her mother controlling and horrible? Does this person seem like they have had a tough time with people, who always use and abandon them? Whatever they say about the other people in their life, it is pretty much exactly what they will be saying about you at some point, so listen carefully. They are always a victim to someone.
4. Illnesses and injuries. They absolutely love pity, so pay attention to how many illnesses and injuries they have had. Did he/she miraculously beat cancer but it could come back at any minute? Does she/he break a foot on your second date and have to cancel? (But strangely is okay for the third date?) Did he/she lose his first wife or her first husband in a car accident that left him/her with brain trauma (yet he talks fine and seems fine)? Try to check out their stories and don’t be surprised if they have an excuse for why you can’t find any record of any of their traumas.
5. Great sex. Everyone wants great sex, but those who have been with a psychopath/sociopath often say it’s the best thing they’ve ever experienced. They will go out of his way to please you. It’s just another way of getting you hooked. Once they have you hooked, you’ll find yourself begging for sex because they suddenly won’t want it anymore. Or they will give it to you as a “reward” after an argument.
6. Cracks in the mask. They sometimes blurt out something odd about themselves, apropos of nothing. Like you might be cooking dinner and suddenly she/he states out of nowhere, “I’m crazy you know.” Or “I’m cheating on you.” Then they either deny they said it or play it off as a joke. A form of keeping you off balance — but also possibly a slip of who they are and what they are actually doing but a gaslighting technique that works.
7. Silent treatment. Once they have you hooked after the “love bombing” and “grooming” phase, they then begin to devalue you. The first step in that is usually to give you the silent treatment over something. They are also known to disappear for days at a time and lie to you as to where they have been or tell you it is none of your business as they are not “owned” by you. Be sure, the silent treatment and disappearing act will be laid squarely at your feet. In reality, they are probably sizing up his next target somewhere.
8. Triangulation. Sociopaths/Psychopaths love to work you up into a state of obsessive frenzy, so to do that, they idealize you, give you fabulous sex, and then begin pulling away and “triangulating.” This is when they introduce other people into the mix to make you jealous. It could be an ex-wife/husband or ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, a friend of the same sex, or even a celebrity. In their mind, everyone else wants them, so you better be on your best behavior, or they will move on to one of their adoring victims.
9. Discard/conclusion phase. The final phase is the “discard or conclusion” phase. After they suck you in with idealization, then begins the process to devalue you, they will suddenly discard you as if you never had a relationship. You are suddenly completely worthless and left void of the relationship you thought you had. In this phase they will usually move on to another target at this point. You are left wondering what happened and what did you do to deserve the loss of the relationship (they will make sure it is your fault and that you know it).
10. “Hoovering.” Although they will discard you, they don’t quite want you moving on either. If they sense you are moving on and/or have the ability to find another relationship, they will “hover” around because they “own” you and you are their possession and you aren’t allowed to move on unless they say so or have no use for you anymore.
1. Narcissists are defensive. Think about this. Defense is a natural response to thwart off an attack right? So the more ‘defensive’ a person is the more shallow and hollow they are. Narcissists wear a mask that seemingly says they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. They tell you that but mostly they tell themselves. If your partner has to remind you how great they are, needing adulation or adoration, chances are they need to feel like they are those things. More times than not, a narcissist flashes a confident smile but they are really empty and void inside. If they become defensive, they can thwart the attack by lashing out. It’s always all about them. If you bring up a problem you’ve discovered with your partner and they immediately become defensive you have to ask yourself why. If they do not apologize or listen to your side, they are probably not that concerned with how you feel. They feel pretty bad all of the time because they are so empty, so it doesn’t really matter to them if you feel like that every now and then.
2. The crisis. Whatever is going on in your life is not important to them. You care about your partner and you expect the same treatment from them. But the only person who is important is them. If you are in a mutually giving relationship this is natural but these relationships with narcissists are not about mutuality. If you want to have a ‘serious’ talk with your partner and they bolt, they can’t handle the emotions you are throwing at them. To them it is like nails on a chalkboard. They have to run. A narcissist can only keep the act up long enough to get to what they want. They have no idea how to handle your emotions because they don’t have any unless it is something that affects them personally. If they show remorse or tears it is because it serves a purpose for them.
3. The rages. They have paper thin skin. If you are often on the receiving end of behavior that goes from 0 to 60 in no time flat you are in a relationship that cannot stand criticism without a knock down drag out fight. It could be the smallest of criticism that sets them off. If you are feeling rage directed at you when you bring up a point of question or the other party feeling inadequate, you need to run as fast as you can from the other person.
4. Crazy making. Does your partner make you constantly crazy by sending you mixed signals? Why do they do this? Number one, to keep you unstable and make you feel unstable. Another term is “gaslighting” taken from an old movie in which a man tried to keep his victim off guard by sending mixed messages/signals. Why would someone who says they love you want to do this? Because it gives them control and power and when you are constantly second guessing yourself, you can’t very well criticize them or point things out to them. Promises are made that don’t get followed up on, things said then you are told they were never said at all, events/special occasions all gets pushed to the back burner in light of their own needs.
5. Exclusivity. Narcissists need so much adoration and adulation that getting it from one source is hardly enough. The narcissist starts every day as an empty cup. It is your job to fill it up and make sure it can stay filled. The only problem is they never get filled up. Do you see how exhausting it is to fill up the cup every day? When it comes to complimenting you or listening to you, they won’t deliver it with equal thought. Can you see how exhausting it is to just keep them filled? They will want you to be exclusive though, giving you the pouty face when you start hinting around at the possibility of dating or going out with someone that isn’t them.
6. Actions won’t match words. This is a telling sign for any relationship. When you realize that the actions do not match the words you are probably in too deep with this person. You’re probably in it exclusively and have spent so much time with them that you feel like you have to stay. I have heard so many in this type of relationship say, “But I have given so much of myself and my time and I don’t want to give up now. No one is perfect and maybe it will get better.” My best advice to anyone in a relationship regardless of narcissism is if the actions do not match the words, run. Your inner sense knows. Deep down you know you won’t ever change them. YOU MUST RESPECT YOURSELF AND MAKE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE and move forward in your life with self respect still in tact