Reputation is important to all professions. The ones who love this adulation most are comedians, politicians, judges and celebrities. But they are not the only ones. They love it so much that they are willing to screw over women and children at all cost. I am not amused or impressed by them. Take Donald Trump, Picasso, Woody Allen, Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein, Roman Polanski, Harvey Weinstein – they are all cut from the same cloth and are not the exception – but instead they are the rule in this country. They are the “rule” saying we don’t give a shit about women and children. We only care about a man’s reputation – their reputation. But where is their humanity?  Sociopaths and Psychopaths don’t have any. Research states that these individuals are “soul-less” and “soul void” cutting off any empathy and connection to a soul. They are charismatic and manipulative with one purpose – to gain power and control over others and to satisfy sadistic needs within them.  These men control their stories and ours and have a diminishing, if not nonexistent, love for anyone outside of themselves and we let them perpetrate on us.  We don’t seem to mind – and yes even participate with them in their narcissistic and soul-less behaviors and work just so they can hold on to their precious reputation.

Hindsight is a gift and stop wasting time being a supporter of these subhuman individuals. When someone shows you who they are, believe them and do something about it.  If I sound angry it is because I am.  Why shouldn’t I be and why wouldn’t you be? If my anger disturbs you, good. Why is my anger disturbing to you?  What am I triggering in you so that you want me to be a “polite and nice woman who knows her place or to be pious woman keeping her nose out of others business” and not telling truth?

If I were a man writing this, you would go “wow – he is powerful and confident and tells it like it is”…… but because my gender is female – I am not given the same kind of consideration and admiration!!  Well I am sick and tired of that type of discrimination and outright gender bias!!! We get freedom of speech in this country no matter our gender. At least that is what everyone says even though we know that isn’t true.  A big lie we all carry with us.

Why are men angry in our country anyway?  They rule in this country. Patriarchy is paramount in our lives.  It is in our court system, professional system, relationships, and family systems. Yet angry men are able to express their unbelievably selfish anger and no one says anything or does anything about it!! Funny isn’t it – no its not!!! But think about this. If they are having a tough time and angry then the rest of us are goners!!! We are done!! What chance is there for us?

I tell my story of being beaten up by a man who professed to love me. Not only did he beat me up he also tried to kill me 3 times during our relationship. Now when asked to tell my story – I tell my story of abuse and trauma, in a way that is “palatable” to those listening because I am good at my job and my story telling. I can balance tension, cognitive dissonance, and cognitive disconnection.  You see I can’t tell my stories with real time facts and tones because it is too “disturbing.”  So when I talk about being beaten up, my throat being cut, and multiple strangulation attempts on my life, I can’t share with you my utter terror, my being yelled and screamed at for being a “fucking bitch” because the word Fuck offends you. You judge me for the very words I heard every day from a predator husband and for sharing it in my truth story. I can’t tell you how many times I was called “worthless stupid woman” and “bitch” and “cunt”, for just being alive. How do I express to you the soul trauma that caused within me when you judge me for the words I write, the “raw” truth that you won’t even let me express because of your lack of empathy and “well you can tell your story but tell it nicely” responses. There is NOTHING nice about abuse!! So get over yourself. You are lucky if you don’t know what it is like being abused told over and over again and told “You are a fucking cunt and worthless piece of shit” over and over. You are lucky because 1 in 3 women will get abused during her lifetime and 1 in 6 men.  So hearing from these “reputation” egomaniac who hide behind their real self like the cowards they are – that their victim is  “going to give me what you deserve with the evil and scary intimidations and tones attached, the facial expressions of evil and devil like eyes that accompany the words and behaviors. Well if you are upset by that then put yourself in the shoes of the victims of these monsters. If it upsets you when you hear this truth then imagine what it is like to live this truth. When I did receive the abuses that this entitled, self-centered, misogynistic, hateful, male sociopath and relationship terrorist acted and placed on me – and share it in full living raw color – you would stop listening and unconscious bias would kick in and you would say “what is wrong with her that she would stay in this type of relationship much less tell the world she was in this type of relationship.” You would be ignorant in that perception because of what the brain and the constant brain washing and bonding that happens in these relationships. You would be ignorant  because the normal reaction of human beings is to try to make “something fit” into their brain’s library of experiences and to “hope” what is happening is temporary until it isn’t – and by that time bonding keeps you in the relationship and you don’t even know it. You might even say, “it couldn’t be that bad because no one would do that to another person” which would be a lie and disrespect to me and my life experience and other survivors. So I, like others, don’t tell the entirety of my truth and life as do not other survivors. Not because we can’t but because you won’t allow us to because of your own emotional reactions, judgments and bias. And yet one of the biggest healing tools for a victim/survivor is to be able to express what their Terror looks like, sounds like, feels like.

But God forbid that he, my entitled, reputation fraud, male perpetrator, did this in public and ruin his reputation with family, co-workers, boss’s, friends and others.  No way.  Reputation is everything.  He beat me, tried to kill me, and when I reported him, told people about him, nobody stopped him. I should have left him the first time he called me a name and verbally abused me.  But I didn’t.  I made excuses for him and lied for him and was his willing “shield and mask.” I had no self-love and worth because of being taught a myth about my gender and that love conquers all. Boy was that a lie and being ignorant of what a “reputation fraud” is, I became his victim. I loved this man and the love was not conquering anything accept me as his victim. So I stayed and had reinforcement from others that knew what was being done to me and who did nothing to help me, support the message that somehow what was being done to me, was okay because I was not worthy of more. It was all I was worth. The one exception was my mother.  She told me to leave but where was I to go?  I wasn’t working, had no money, and had a child to take care of. What would happen to me and my child with no job, no money, and no place to go while I got on my feet?  Oh I had friends who said I could have a place to stay for a week or two but no longer. Some totally rejected my request to even spend one night with them so that my daughter and I could be safe from this predator I married. I knew getting a job and building up my finances to be able to take care of myself and my daughter would take a lot longer than that.  Also, if I left I might be killed and had been told that no matter where I went, he would find me and I believed him. And he did find me when I finally left and hid from him. This is why victims don’t get away. This being “unworthy” message was one I worked long and hard to overcome once I got the strength and courage to get out of the relationship forever.

When our society gives children in the same family different ideas about who is entitled and who is not based on gender – that is not love. That is abuse being handed down generationally through modeling.  When one gender has coercive control (making another do something against their will through power and control techniques), we get abuse and trauma in the lives of those not “entitled” in our families by those given entitlement.

If I am not only the wrong gender, but God forbid transgendered, or nonbinary, or gay, or lesbian, or intersex or androgyne, and “different” – and you give permission to hate me -that is NOT okay. Just because you consider me to be incorrectly gendered, and you give yourself permissions to judge me, sentence me, and carry out your punishments on me – YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to do so.  YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to judge my experience or anyone else’s, when you have not walked in my/their shoes and have not lived my/their life!!! Your punishing me for what you perceive to be an offense – that is on you!!! Not me!!! You get to own that shame and transgression and I am not going to allow you anymore to walk around without a spot light shining on you and your ignorance and lack of love!!! I am not going to be your “reputation shield and mask” either!!! You need to get your act together, seek therapy and forgiveness and God – and understand what it feels like and looks like to be “different” and a victim of abuse, whatever the type of abuse.  You need to stop thinking you are superior (reputation) to me and others like me!!!

I want to speak to those who are still reading this right now – especially those who have a rigid religious belief that male superiority is given by God. God hates men who think they are superior to others and denounces it. (Proverbs 16:28; Matthew 26:22; James 3:16, etc.). To those reading right now who believe that because they are what they consider to be “normal” and not from a “different” community or race like the LGBTIQ plus community, the non “white” community and so on – you claim to have a right because of your “fears” of what is “different” and your “Entitled” superiority beliefs – to spew your hate and abuse on others. You are a destroyer of love, good, kindness and so – if not good – are the alternative – and join the ranks of those perpetrating evil and bad.  Think on that!!!

Now some of you are saying I am a man hater because I am a woman.  That is the farthest thing from the truth.  I love men.  I just don’t like men like Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, and their club members.  Why do you?  You see – if you don’t do anything about those type of men then you are complicit and collude with them through your silence, through you’re not doing anything about them and others like them. You join their club and what they do; through “being a good girl or person” reputation that you want to keep because it makes you comfortable and safe. This makes you no better than these perpetrators.  You see I also believe in equality and that women are no better than men. We are equal and created equal. And In fact women can be as corruptible and evil as men. Men don’t have a monopoly on evil. But research shows men are predominantly the perpetrators of it (Gender and Crime – 85-90% of crimes are done by male offenders while only 2% are done by women. Dabbs, Smart, Morris). But all who stay silent are a fraud and complicit partner to them.  You are an imposter of love and decency.  You are an imposter Christian and not following the message of God which is to love your neighbor as yourself.

But the story of “reputation abuse” belongs to you men most because of this entitled power in our society that is given to you automatically by a patriarchy system set up by men and against women. When men have to abuse women to obtain power and control, they’re not up to the task of being “in charge” and “in authority” or “to be a judge in family court” or to run our country. If you love your neighbor as yourself, a man would never rape, assault, abuse, coerce, intimidate, threaten, traffick or murder woman and children.

I am not a victim in this message.  Why?  Because my story has value and I am a survivor who is standing in her truth and shining a light on hate. I am a “gender ego reputation buster” who has stopped caring about “people’s sensitivity to abuses. To be considered powerless by a man temporarily. doesn’t mean I lose my humanity. He lost his when his attempts to use power and control to victimize me, murder me and destroy my soul were perpetrated.

To yield and not break takes considerable strength and enormous amounts of courage. I am unbreakable, unstoppable, and incredible!! I am not ashamed or afraid to say who is accountable for evil in our country on the largest scale – and that is men!!

My story is important. My story is part of who I am and what made me become who I am.  My story is one that I share because when I went through my abuses, there was no one telling any story to me like mine so that I would know I was not alone. No one was “talking” about relationship terrorism, sexual assault, child abuse, etc., and not talking because of victim blaming and uneducated statements like “what did you do to make him do that to you.”

People today are still telling those of us with a story not tell it because it upsets them, or offends them. It makes them “feel” bad and then “feel” they might want to do something about it and when they don’t do something about it– so they blame a victim for making them feel even worse. Surivovrs take the “fuck you” that we heard over and over from “male entitled reputation frauds” and took F.U.C.K (which stand for Friends U Can Keep”) and created a positive meaning out of a negative. We seek these friends out – because you who feel “reputation” is more important than love, who don’t support us through action, but stay silent and lack action and accountability thusly support those who try to destroy us! We took the word “BITCH” and turned it into an empowerment of “Being In Total Control of Herself” when they used the word to hurt us.

You who feel male entitlement and reputation is more important than keeping a child safe from that predator and do nothing to ensure that child is safe, it is time to change yourselves and your mindset. We know that if it “walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it is a duck” and want no part of that. We want to feel connected to people who are honorable. We want to be safe, feel safe and hold accountable those who take that away from us and who take the most needed thing in life away from us – love!

Diversity is a strength.  Difference is a teacher. Hindsight is a gift! There is nothing stronger than a woman, who like Humpty Dumpty, fell off a wall and had to put herself together again.  Be aware of your “reputation” thinking and how it affects others.

I am Unbreakable! Unstoppable! And Incredible! Because I live each day a “wonder woman” who survived!!!