I was speaking at a conference this past weekend and a nice looking man came up to me and complimented me on the presentation and then moved into a personal compliment. I was flattered that at the age of 62, I still receive compliments about my looks, my youthful spirit, my intelligence, and my personality. But as I continued, I wondered why I would think that after a certain age – whatever that age is I am not sure – that men would stop letting me know that they appreciate things about me. And that got me to thinking. I know what you might be thinking – watch out – she is “thinking” again!!!!
So I began to do some research on why women think that as they age the compliments will stop at some point. Even though I know that I have seen women older than 75 years that are gorgeous inside and out, I have, like the rest of you, seen women who have let them-selves go.
We all know that society has a part to play in that all the models we see on television and in print are skinny, young, flawless and beautiful setting a unrealistic standard for the majority of the world. After all we all can’t be 20 forever. We have Cindy Crawford putting on make up for older women telling them it will take away their lines and make them 10 years younger in their appearance, and so on. But I wanted to know why “I” thought things would change for me as I got older. Where did my thinking come from?
I don’t remember my mother ever telling me that compliments would stop- she was gorgeous until she passed at age 74. My father never said anything to my recollection one way or the other nor did any relative or friend of mine state such. So again, where did I get the idea that compliments would stop?!!!
It found this question surprising since from my experience, it has never seemed like the trend of appearance based compliments are sourced from women insisting men give them compliments on their appearance. It isn’t quite like a guy really wants to compliment a girl on her multitasking skills/on her great presentation/her great credentials/something she recently accomplished. But when a woman moves her eyes at him and blinks a few times and he responds with compliments regarding appearance to flatter. Why is it that a majority of the compliments are based on looks? Mostly because we don’t take the time to find other qualities to compliment and the fastest/quickest compliment is what we see first – looks.
From a very young age, girls are conditioned through society, media, magazines, and family values and beliefs to value and find more value in their appearance than any other skill or trait they possess. And this comes from the male and female adults that interact with the young girl. “Oh, you look so pretty in your little dress! You look just like a model/princess!”
When kids are young, they are impressionable, and with those types of compliments occurring throughout their life, it forms an opinion in their mind on the best way to get compliments, the best way for others to acknowledge them and indicate that they are good. They start to associate themselves with their appearance since that is what people appear to enjoy so much about them from birth.
And the older a girl becomes, the more she realizes that in society a woman’s worth is strongly associated with her appearance. Just look at the comment section for different celebrities. People complained about Christina Aguilera being on “The Voice”, a show about singing, because apparently she wasn’t thin enough. I didn’t know that looks factored into singing credentials.
Being female in society, it is a basic requirement that you look like you put effort into your appearance, or else a woman would either be criticized or ignored, and everything else you have to offer (skills and/or traits) are ignored since they aren’t bound up in a presentable package. If a woman wears make up she is considered more “acceptable” and “desirable” in the workplace and as a partner.
I like compliments about my appearance. It makes me feel good since I grew up thinking I was unattractive. That message I got from my family members loud and clear so I compensated by developing a funny personality and intelligence to make others notice me and compliment me.
I know some men think they get something in return for making a compliment to a woman. I resent the impression that I need to feel indebted to a man for making the compliment, since I have met a few guys who act as if I owe them suddenly for such compliments, as if they have just given me something I have actively tried to get which deserves giving back. Compliments are supposed to be a signal to keep doing what you are doing since it is working and not something that gives you entitlement to receive something other than a “thank you.”
The way we raise girls to value their appearance first about other traits ultimately hinders their personal growth. When you interact with little boys, imagine what you would say to a little boy since boys aren’t complimented on their appearance, but you say, “You look like a little prince with that jacket and tie on.” Or “you look like a king the way you are dressed and your make up and cologne is Presidential.” Instead we ask them what they are doing, what they are learning in school, what they are reading and what sports they are playing and do they have a girlfriend.
Some women are not comfortable with the way their bodies are aging from messages they receive externally and internally. They may feel that their new wrinkles, grey hairs, or weight gain make them unattractive. This will have an effect on their self-worth. Remember that your vitality, sensuality and desire doesn’t fade as the years progress. Being attractive and sensual does not fade, it just changes.
So I guess I answered my question as to why I thought as a woman got older she would be less desirable and therefore not receive compliments. Messages coming into my life consciously and subconsciously regarding age and gender bias against women helped formulate my thoughts. But now that I am a senior, I have changed my attitude on the senior woman and whether she can still be desired, complimented and sought after. She is as attractive at each age stage as she chooses to be – beauty comes from the inside which shows outside.
So why wouldn’t I – a woman who is honest, intelligent, authentic, funny, self-assured, faith filled, and outgoing and who takes care of herself and loves relationships with her fellow human beings receive compliments?!! She does and I do.
For those who find themselves seniors and thinking life is over when it comes to dating, marriage and being adored, it is not over by any means. Go out there and enjoy your life and let your personality, happiness and spirit be seen by others and shared. You will find that compliments are waiting for you from others – but the most important thing is that you are valid and beautiful at any age!!!