We love to judge others. It seems to be something that many do on a daily basis. Somehow it makes us feel better about ourselves when we can point a finger at someone else and say “Did you know that so and so did……?!””

How much time do you spend judging others? I would love to be able to sit here and write that I am such a wonderful, open, loving person that I don’t judge anyone, but that’s just not the case. I am human and join in the judgment process.  And I try to remember not to participate in it but can’t always stop myself. It’s one thing I do much more often than I care to, as it is a waste of time and my judgements won’t change anyone. I judge others’ actions. I judge others’ words. I know we all do this to some extent and I also know that it relates completely to how we feel about ourselves. If you are 100% happy with who you are, you are a lot less likely to feel the need to judge others. Though I’ve become a lot more comfortable with who I am, and like who I am, I have found that this “judgment of others” has diminished for me. Yet it is not completely gone. We are all a work in progress.

In talking with others about judgements, I’ve realized that judgment is something we do without thinking — all the time. Someone cuts you off in traffic? You mumble, “What an a jerk”  or someone comes to work wearing something from a few decades back? You say to yourself, “he/she needs a makeover!” A friend spends time with a no-good ex? You think, “That’s really pathetic.” When I judge someone, I don’t feel good about myself because I know I am being judged by others as well and nothing changes in my life because of it when I don’t even know what I am being judged about. I don’t want to be judged and I’ve always believed in the idea of treating others how I want to be treated. And I certainly wouldn’t want someone whispering to a coworker, “Did you see her new hair color? Awful!. And she thinks that is pretty?”

I know we all can change It’s important to remember that I’m talking about negative judgments here. Not all judgments are bad. Not all judgments are hurtful or painful or wrong. But most of them are. And those are the ones we want to stop. We want to be a happy person and judging others does NOT make us happy if we are honest with ourselves.

I am sharing 4 reasons we judge, 5 things judgments do, and 6 ways to stop judging. I think understanding why we do it and what it does is just as important as figuring out how to stop. So here are some (but not all) reasons to judge another:

 

4 Reasons We Judge Others

  • We are insecure. This is the main reason we judge. When we are insecure and/or unhappy with who we are, we try to put other people down. Though it doesn’t usually build us up when we put others down, we do it anyway. We want to feel good by making others feel bad.
  • We are scared. Often, when we’re scared or intimated by other people, we’ll put them down. Coworkers band together and make fun of their boss or coworker. Women who see a prettier woman as a threat and make fun of her outfit. When people are scared, they try to feel better by putting others down. We also may fear those who are different from us and may judge them just because they are unlike us.
  • We are lonely. As mentioned before, there is a bonding element that goes along with judging others. When you are lonely, you might use judgments to bond with other people, but these bonds are based on negativity. The bonds you have based on judging others are superficial and are not likely to contain true substance. They are based on bias and insecurity.
  • We are seeking change. When we want our own lives to be different, we are quick to judge the lives of others. For example, if someone wants to be in a committed relationship and his friend gets engaged, he might whisper, “Oh, that girl is so not right for him. I don’t know why they’re getting married.” If we are jealous of others’ changing lives we are likely to make quick judgments.
  • 5 Things Judgments Do
  • Hurt other people. This might not always happen. If the person never finds out what you said, you’re in the clear, right? Not necessarily. Things have a way of coming back and hurting people in unexpected ways. Think about what you say. Would you say that to his/her face? If not, it’s probably best left unsaid (and un-thought!).
  • Make you feel worse about you. When you judge others it makes you feel bad afterward. You don’t feel good about yourself if you are honest about your feelings. You might get a tiny rush from the judgments, but, ultimately, you will probably feel guilty. You bring yourself down when you bring others down.
  • Perpetuate stereotypes. The more judgments out there in the world, the more stereotypes get formed and you make people try to live up to (or avoid) the ideas of what they are “supposed” to be. Of course it is YOUR idea of what they are “supposed” to be.  Whether stereotypes are based on race, gender, spirituality, ethnicity, appearance, or any other attribute, they are negative if they don’t fit YOUR image of “supposed to be”. They force people (including you!) to feel as if there are standards they must meet instead of living a free, happy life.
  • Put negativity into the world. No matter what you way you rationalize your judgments, they are not bringing anything positive into the world because judgements focused on others keeps us from working on our own positivity. Judgement brings others down. It brings you down. It makes everyone around you more unhappy. Can you imagine if we were all accepting and loving of one another? Can you imagine what the world would be like if we tried to understand other people rather than judging them?
  • Encourage you to judge yourself. If you’re judging others, you’re probably judging yourself pretty harshly as well. *Monitor your thoughts. Think about what you thinking about. I like to use a stop light as a way of  paying more attention to my thoughts and do my best to push them in a positive direction. I check throughout the day if I am thinking in the “green zone” or if I am in the “yellow zone” or completely in the “red zone” when it comes to my thoughts being negative and judgemental.  
  • 6 Ways To Stop Judging
  • Look for the positive. Judgments are negative. There is almost always something positive you can find in someone or something. While your mind might immediately focus on the negative, push your thoughts in a more positive direction and look for something nice to think or say. And, of course, if you can’t find something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
  • Avoid stereotyping. Stereotypes are never, ever good. Avoid them, but know you don’t always get to do so, and you are aware of them and that they create a lot of negativity in the world, don’t be a part of that. Choose to change your thoughts.
  • Stop judging yourself. It’s not all that easy to do, but the more we judge ourselves, the more we’ll judge others. Work on not judging yourself and others. It doesn’t change them but it can change you for the better if you learn to love yourself and accept you are a work in process. Focus on the positive aspects of you and then it will be a lot easier to focus on the positive aspects of others. The only person you can change is you. Start there.
  • Focus on your own life. When all else fails and judgments are hard to push away, focus on yourself. Don’t worry about what other people are doing/wearing/etc. Think about your own life. Focus on what you want and go after it. When you’re trying to avoid your own problems, it’s easy to criticize others. Don’t. Think about you and focus on the good things.
  • Remember how it feels. Remember how it feels to be judged. AND remember how it felt the last time you judged someone else. It doesn’t feel good to judge or to be judged so put an end to it right now. I’m going to work on remember these feelings the next time I feel like a negative thought about someone else is cropping up.
  •  I read this but don’t know who wrote it – “The act of judgment is an act of pride. It involves looking to our own store of knowledge, putting together a few facts, figures or fancies, and coming up with some sort of answer or solution to a given problem or situation. All too often it is the wrong solution or answer, and because of pride, we refuse to correct course. Judging others is an act of monumental pride – enormous pride, stupendous pride, galling, astonishing, fantastic pride. This should be understood. When you render judgment on another, you have taken upon yourself an awesome responsibility for making the correct judgment. Because, after all, your judgment is not necessary. All things, big and small, invite your judgment. The condition of the weather, political matters, the taste of your food, a television program – at every moment of the day, something or other is inviting your judgment of it. And so often, and so willingly, you render it, without being aware of the consequences, without taking care of the responsibilities entailed. You judge, and then to make matters worse, you believe in your judgment. You’ve looked at the evidence, you’ve made a judgment – it must be right! There couldn’t possibly be any other conclusion to arrive at but the one you’ve chosen, could there? What you don’t see, don’t understand, is that your judgment leads to suffering – your own suffering. It does not touch the person judged; he or she is free of you and your thoughts and your judgments. You cannot change their behavior by even a hair’s breadth by your judgment.”