From time to time we’ve all done it – that scenario when a series of words tumbles from our mouth and the instant regret manifests through blushing and profuse apologies. If you could just think before you speak!

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napolean Hill
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” ~~Abraham Lincoln: February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865
“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” ~~Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain): November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910

Are we speaking the same language and on the “same page”?
It’s amazing that we manage to communicate at all. When speaking, we tend to color our language with words and phrases that have become personal to us, things we’ve picked up from our friends, families and even memes from the internet. When I was in high school we “created” our own language so the adults wouldn’t know what we were talking about with each other. We wanted our friends to know but not others. We created colloquialisms that became normal, and we expected the listener to understand “what we mean.” If you really want the listener to understand your meaning, try to use words and phrases that they might use.

Am I being lazy which can be interpreted as insensitive?
When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, a strange metamorphosis takes place. People tend to become lazier in the way that they communicate with each other, with less thought for the feelings of their partner. There’s no malice intended; we just reach a “comfort zone” and know that our partners “know what we mean.”

Here’s an exchange from Psychology Today to demonstrate:
Early in the relationship:
“Honey, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I’m noticing that your hair is getting a little thin on top. I know guys are sensitive about losing their hair, but I don’t want someone else to embarrass you without your expecting it.”
When the relationship is established:
“Did you know that you’re losing a lot of hair on the back of your head? You’re combing it funny and it doesn’t help. Wear a baseball cap or something if you feel weird about it. Lots of guys get thin on top. It’s no big deal.”

It’s pretty clear which of these statements is more empathetic and more likely to be received well. Recognizing when we do this can be tricky, but with a little practice it becomes easy.

Have I actually got anything to say?
There are some people who talk just to talk – or in other words, talk just to hear themselves talk. We all have encountered those individuals who droan on and on with nothing important to say. “If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything at all.” Our current president gives us a good example of this as well. I need say no more on that topic. We get it!!!

A lot of the time, people speak to fill “uncomfortable silences,” or because they believe that saying something, anything, is better than staying quiet. It can even be a cause of anxiety for some people. When somebody else is speaking, we need to listen. Don’t wait to speak. Listen. Actually hear what that person is saying, think about it, and respond if necessary.

Am I painting an accurate picture of what I want to communicate?
One of the most common forms of miscommunication is the lack of a “referential index,” a type of generalization that fails to refer to specific nouns. As an example, look at these two simple phrases: “Can you give me that?” and “Give me that thing over there!” How often have you said something similar?

How is the listener supposed to know what you mean? The person that you’re talking to will start to fill in the gaps with something that may very well be completely different to what you mean. You’re thinking “pass me the butter,” but you get passed the pepper. This can be infuriating for the listener, and more importantly, can create a lack of understanding and ultimately produce conflict.

Before you speak, try to clearly describe/label people, places and objects in a way that it is easy for any listeners to understand.

What words am I using?
It’s well known that our use of nouns and verbs (or lack of them) gives an insight into where we grew up, our education (or lack of), our thoughts and our feelings.

Less well known is that the use of pronouns offers a critical insight into how we emotionally code our sentences. James Pennebaker’s research in the 1990’s concluded that function words are important keys to someone’s psychological state and reveal much more than content words do.

Starting a sentence with “I think…” demonstrates self-focus rather than empathy with the speaker, whereas asking the speaker to elaborate or quantify what they’re saying clearly shows that you’re listening and have respect even if you disagree.

Is the map really the territory?
Before speaking, we sometimes construct a scenario that makes us act in a way that isn’t necessarily reflective of the actual situation. Be clear on what you want to communicate BEFORE you communicate it, state it correctly and clearly, and give an example if necessary of an event that shows it with no “clouding” of it.

Tips
*Make sure your comments are relevant and appropriate to the conversation. Don’t stray from the topic – stay focused.
*Wait 5 or 10 seconds before responding. This gives you time to formulate a): whether a response is required, and b): an appropriate and thoughtful response.

*Remember the famous and well-known quotes
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” ~~Abraham Lincoln: February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865
“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” ~~Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain): November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910

*When you say something you shouldn’t have, and if it was something hurtful, make a point to apologize. Either immediately, or in private; however is most appropriate.
*When you say something you shouldn’t have, fix it in your mind to avoid that specific situation in the future.
*Before entering a room think about the people involved in the situation and the possible questions you might be asked. Decide how you will respond and what points you want to make before entering the room.
*This will take time – it should become a part of your life. As you get better, you will be regarded as someone whose opinion is valued.

To remind yourself to think before saying something, pinch yourself on the finger or somewhere discreet (gently, but just enough to get yourself on track). If you develop a routine for answering a question, you will be less likely to say the first thing that comes to mind.
Resting your chin on the back of your hand (as illustrated above) is a body language that can convey thoughtfulness. Be aware of the surroundings, though, as it can also convey boredom.

Warnings
*If people aren’t actually addressing you, they may not want your opinion. Try to tone down how much you force yourself into conversations.
*Avoid overuse of common phrases. Examples are ‘the bottom line is’.
*Strictly avoid “flame speak.” Insults or inappropriate personal references of any kind are frequently used on the Internet for effect, but in conversation the outcome is quite different; you will lose respect and you are guaranteed a negative result. Remember – this is about thinking before you speak.
*If you do not know what you’re talking about, do not try to be convincing. It’s okay to express an opinion, but make sure people know you’re speculating.
*Absolutes are rarely accurate. Using terms like always or never provides an opening for argument. “Often,” “frequently,” “occasionally,” “infrequently” and “rarely” are good substitutes. Keep in mind: “It’s never always perfect,” and always remember to never use always and never.
*Saying these many times will make your listener tired of hearing the same thing.

Most important in summarizing is don’t speak unless you have something important to say or share that enhances, supports, empathizes, educates or empowers. Make your words count in a clear manner so that others see you as an “honorable” person.