I struggle with anxiety and that compared with a narcissistic mother is really hard. For one thing my mother has made me a lot more insecure about myself. She’s wanted me to be the best but not for the right reasons. To her, I’m something to be profited off of, to show how successful she is. Good grades basically mean nothing in my family. In my family it’s all about flaunting who has the better kid. My family is close-minded and has very old values. I’m already at a disadvantage seeing as I’m half-white and my parents aren’t ‘wealthy’ by my family’s standards. So I’ve had to claw my way for a scrap of love. Which is sad and shocking to other people. It was definitely a shock to me when I met my friends parents. It was weird seeing them caring about each other and me without having ulterior motives. It was comforting but unnerving. It was hard because I had been put down by my family so much and here my friends mom was praising me for my grades. After that I was sad and disappointed because I had waited eagerly for my own mom to praise me for my grades. Unsurprisingly she didn’t. Instead she talked about how hard her day at work was and how an A wasn’t enough. That was how it always was with my mom. Her complaining about herself and talking about her achievements. My situation is interesting to say the least. I’ve had to listen to people telling me that my mother really loves me and how she really is trying. But the thing with narcissistic mothers is that it will never be about you. They will always demand your attention. I’ve been trying to label what that was, what the entitled ness towards attention was called. And I came across it in a book, Starfish by Akemi Dawn Bowman. (A book I highly recommend for kids with narcissistic mothers and parents.) Narcissistic mothers are starfishes. They will always expect and demand the worlds attention. They will expect you to live for them/to please them. And I don’t want to live to please a starfish. I want to live for myself. 2020 was the first year away from my mother. (I had spent it with my dad.) My dad is nothing like my mother and has encouraged me to be the best for myself. It was refreshing. It made my realize that the world isn’t so small. That I don’t have to live for a starfish, nor do I want to. There is a whole world out there. And I am not going to be bound by the expectations of a starfish and neither should you. Don’t live to please a starfish. There is a whole ocean out there. Swim in it.
14 year old survivor of abuse blog part 3
By Kathie Mathis|2022-01-12T18:51:16-08:00March 4th, 2021|Abuse, Emotions, Relationships, Unhealthy Attachments|0 Comments