SAYING GOODBYE TO A LOVED ONE WHO IS DYING

Saying goodbye to a family member and friend is difficult for most of us. In the past 6 months I have said goodbye to my brother from liver cancer, my best friend since high school who died of a fast moving brain cancer, and now another best friend since first grade who has Alzheimer’s and is slowly losing his memory because of it. It has been a time of emotional acknowledgement, surprise and roller coaster for me as I navigate through the different types of relationship I had with each of them and how each of then impacted my life psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and the love I had for them in each area.

Saying goodbye to a friend who is dying involves honoring their journey, acknowledging their feelings, and expressing your own. It’s important to be honest, offer support, and allow for a peaceful farewell, while also acknowledging your own grief and emotions. So here is my journey to honor them and myself along with the steps that I took to survive the grief and loss.

Time together: I planned my time left with them to make memories while being with each other. I planned to laugh, cry, share and remember stories of our adventures and our ending as they got near to it.

So I included the following:

  1. Honoring Their Journey:
  • Acknowledge the end:

It’s okay to be honest about the situation and acknowledge that their journey is coming. We talked as long as each of them wanted to about this ending and what each of us felt about this time. There were tears, jokes and laughter, loss of more time together and most of all – what each other meant to one another. We also talked about the possibility of afterlife and what that looked like and was to each of us.

  • Express gratitude:

I thanked them for the joy, memories, and lessons they’ve shared and the trust they gave me throughout our relationship as well. I “honored” them with an “honor ceremony” that I do with my family and friends on a pretty regular basis which expresses love and bonding of our journey in life together.

 

  • Share positive memories:

We reminisced about happy times and highlighted their positive and negative memories of family, school, adulthood and how life took us in so many different directions but no matter what – we remained friends and supported each other.

 

  1. Acknowledging Their Feelings:
  • Allow for open communication:

I created a safe space for them to share their fears, emotions, and wishes. I stayed up throughout the night with my high school friend for 5 nights listening to her talk about death, asking for my reassurances, supporting her in the process of the realization of her imminent death and her view of heaven. I wrote poems for her, sang with her, and she asked me to write down things important to her to share with others whom she named to me.  She shared her anger at being diagnosed with a brain tumor and dying when she wanted so desperately to live. I learned the power of active listening and empathy during this time.

  • Validate their experience:

I did my best to let them know that I did not understand what they’re going through, because I didn’t. But that I was there for them, would do what they felt they wanted me to do for them, and that it’s okay to feel a range of emotional ups and downs. That no matter what each day brought for them – they weren’t alone. I made sure that they had a support group of family and friends so that each of us would not bend under the grief and loss of each day getting closer to ending in physical life.

  • Offer reassurance:

 

Let them know they are loved and supported, and that their life has been important. Nothing prepares us for this time and process of ending. We watched as we grew up, others and how they managed loss, but we ourselves were not taught what exactly we are to do. We offer reassurance to our family and friends while we are not reassured of our own fears, our own loss of relationship, our own loss of love and family. So taking care of me was part of reassuring myself that I could go through this and be “strong” for them and then go to my room and cry myself to sleep or “fall apart” within parameters of still maintaining composure.

 

 

 

  1. Expressing Your Own Emotions:

Be honest about your grief: It’s okay to cry, share your sadness, and acknowledge

        how much you’ll miss them and how I was going to remember them as well. I told

and expressed what my life was going to be like with the loss.

Forgiveness and resolution:

If there are any unresolved issues, express forgiveness and seek reconciliation and I did. I asked if there was anything I did in our relationship that hurt or injured them in any way and said it was not my intent and wanted to let them know I was sorry. And that opened the door for them to do the same with me. Clearing everything up between us honored our bond and connectedness of friendship.

Let them know how much you love them and that you’ll cherish the memories you’ve shared and that both of you can be “at peace” during the process of them dying.

 

  • Physical touch:

Knowing the healing and comfort that comes through physical touch, I held hands,  and gently stroked their arm and rubbed their back. We also embraced each other with hugs and hip bumped in teasing fun and made faces. Laughter is allowed and highly recommended also as a healing and bonding experience, not to mention, to lighten the mood from time to time.

  • Let go:

Ultimately, it’s about letting them go and accepting their passing with love and peace, so that you can manage after their gone. There is a hole in your life and sometimes a hole in your soul as well. So what are you going to do to manage that spot where they once occupied but no longer occupy. How are you going to honor them and yourself instead of falling into depression and deep sorrow which has the potential to create illness physically, mentally, spiritually and can even cause thoughts of suicide which you might have never had before. It is on YOU to do what you need to do for well being, living after the death, possible guilt you have if you did not or could not for whatever reason, clear the air while they were alive. What support system do you have for you?

 

Things I said:

  • “Thank you for being my friend. I’ve learned so much from you.”
  • “You have less than 6 months to live. How do I say goodbye to you to where you understand how much you meant to me.  Words seem so inadequate so I want to say how much I will miss you but also show you while you and I are still together, how much you meant to me….
  • “I’m sorry you are going through this. You are amazing, courageous and thoughtful.”
  • “What can I do for you and what do you need from me if anything.”
  • “I will miss you always. You were a great friend. You were a great brother and I love you with all my heart. Our friendship is everything”
  • Tips for Talking with Someone Who is Dying

 

When you do want to convey a message to your loved one speak softly and use words that help him/her with the inner work of letting go. You can remind him/her that you love him, that he/she has lived a good life, you will remember him/her, and it’s okay for him/her to let go when she/he is ready. We are all going to die one day. It is inevitable and I thought throughout my own journey of what I would want from my family and friends when it is my time to leave this world. I gave them what I would have wanted but I also asked them what they wanted and needed so I would not hurt, harm, or dishonor their time. Limitless love and good helped me and helped them as they expressed to me how much what I was doing and saying meant to them.

Hope my experience helps you as you go through similar grief and loss with your family and/or friends.