We have heard over and over again how we must forgive someone in order to move forward with our lives. That we truly can’t be happy until we do. But research on the subject does not always agree.
Forgiveness has a reputation of being “necessary” and an effective method to improve physical and mental health, relationships and societies. Yet there is little evidence that trauma survivors need to forgive their offenfers to recover from trauma. The few stuides on forgiveness and trauma recovery have limitations that are significant in poor control groups, sampling, and biased funding sources. Yet trauma survivors continue to be told they need to forgive to recover. One’s focus should be on recovery from the trauma and not forgivness to the person (s) who did the trauma and see if forgiveness is given electively or unconsciously. Embracing forgiveness is elective – a choice – not mandatory. Some survivors resist forgiving and that is okay in meeting “their needs” not a therapists needs.
Elective forgiveness gives survivors the abiity/agency to explore, embrance, oppose or withhold forgiveness. They can recover whether or not they forgive and should not be forced, encouraged, or recommended by well meaning mental health professionals who feel it is their obligation to do so. This could sabotage the needed recovery. The neutral stance helps survivors identify and accept their unique needs throughout their recovery and therapists should support them either way. Giving permission for the survivor to feel the intense emotions and physical sensations necessary to process and integrate the trauma does not require forgiveness.
Trauma recovery is on the survivors terms with support from the mental health clinician – not retraumatizing them through forced forgiveness.