ANGER AND WELL BEHAVED WOMEN

by Kathie Mathis, Psy.D, D.D., NCP#00775, CBIF, CDVAC, CAMS-IV, CLC, CPI, CGLC, CHTA, CEO California Cognitive Behavioral Institute, published author, law maker, expert testimony and nationally recognized expert

 

While often attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, the statement “well-behaved women rarely make history” is actually a quote by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, an American historian and author.

Here’s a more detailed explanation:

  • The Misattribution:

The quote is frequently misattributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, a prominent figure known for her activism and breaking from traditional roles as First Lady.

  • The True Author:

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, a historian specializing in early American history, is the actual author of the quote.

  • Context of the Quote:

The quote is from Ulrich’s book, A Midwife’s Tale: The Life of Martha Ballard, Pioneer Woman, where she discusses the lives of women in the early American frontier and how their actions, even if not traditionally “historic,” shaped their communities.

  • The Meaning:

The quote highlights the idea that women who conform to societal expectations and are seen as “well-behaved” are often overlooked in history, while those who challenge norms and take action, even if perceived as “troublemakers,” are more likely to be remembered.

The Anger Mask of well-behaved women:

The current political arena has women’s anger boiling over. Our rights are being taken away by misogynistic men, dictating to us their coercive control through law making, which is setting us back to the 1940’s and 50’s. A 2026 Gallup World Happiness Report found that women expressed more negative emotions – worry, sadness, fear, and anger – then men did. This is a little surprising when it’s acceptable for men to show anger and women are considered a “b..ch” if she expresses it. But women have plenty of reasons to be angry and to express their anger in 2025. There has been little progress on laws made for women that have been kept – in fact our present administration is trying to take away all women’s rights laws like VAWA and VOCA, our right to choose, our right to vote, and our right to equality. Plenty of women feel and know that in fact, we are going backwards and not forward. Our responsibilities of having to break the “glass ceiling” which is still in place; our responsibilities of being mother, wife, housekeeper and bread winner or co-bread winner; our making less money then our male counterparts for the same job; our societal culture of being “well-behaved” and on and on; all this and being “judged” on top of it can lead to anger.

Dr. Kimberly Frazier, Ph.D, academic program director at the National University in San Diego states, “it has become increasingly complex in the  post pandemic landscape especially where the boundaries between work and home life have become increasingly blurred, leading to what many women describe as a state of constant overwhelm.” Often women’s anger remains hidden beneath layers of expectations from family, culture, society and internal pressures.

A March 2010 study in the Journal of Social Issues suggested women express anger less than they experience it. And a February 2023 study in the Emotion Journal found gender inequality made women angry but they were reluctant to express it due to it possibly causing gender stereotypes.  We found this in the election when media stories of women running for President would not make good Presidents because they were “too emotional” and yet we

have witnessed our current President and Vice President yelling at a President from another country and bully on top of it.

The masking of women’s anger can manifest in various ways: anxiety, depression, sadness, lack of boundary setting, self-hate, and more. This vulnerability combined with the other stressors she may be going through can create a complex dynamic to where anger may not be identified as it is masked by other signs of physical and emotional duress: migranes, weight gain, addiction disorders, sleep problems, autoimmune disorders, etc.

So when Eleanor Roosevelt used the statement as a call for activism, she also was giving women permission to express their anger as well. Throughout her long career in politics, Eleanor Roosevelt (ER) championed both women’s rights and women’s activism.  She believed that women were entitled to equal rights. But she also believed that women’s differences from men made them uniquely qualified to engage in political activism. As she put it in her 1933 call to action, It’s Up to the Women, “Women are different from men. They are equals in many ways, but they cannot refuse to acknowledge the differences.” To her way of thinking, women’s differences were the basis for women’s activism. As she explained in an interview with Good Housekeeping: “Women must become more conscious of themselves as women and of their ability to function as a group.” In addition, she believed that women’s distinctive approach to politics would benefit society as a whole. As she told the New York Times: “Women are by nature progressives.” Eleanor Roosevelt exemplified what scholars have described as the “domestication of politics,” engaging in a distinctive “women’s political culture” that placed women at the vanguard of progressive movements for human rights both at home and abroad.

Helping women with their anger means allowing them to do so safely and with therapeutic approaches like, EMDR, “talk therapy,” Gestalt therapy, emotion focused therapy, laughter therapy, anger management therapy, therapies that help identify the root causes of the anger, offering more than one type of therapy as one size does not fit all. Considerations that anger is in all cultures and we are born with this emotion, so one cannot remove it, but instead manage it appropriately.  Not all anger is bad. It can motivate, empower, lead to positive outcomes when managed appropriately and watching body cues, triggers, and knowing that self-exploration regarding it and one’s emotional health is important and should not be avoided. A deep investigatory process is involved to see what is behind the anger affecting a woman’s health and psychological/emotional health. Many women feel the “imposter” effect in their lives due to not being able to be authentic and having to be “well-behaved women.”

It’s okay to express yourself. It’s okay to be angry. Creating understanding and treatment for women’s anger and the importance of not viewing it as a problem to be criticized but instead, a signal to understand and empower women. It can be an opportunity to connect mind, body, spirit and soul for healthier living, for modeling to younger girls and women, and for creating more happiness and joy for everyone in the woman’s life.