by Kathie Mathis Psy.D
Over my lifetime, I met some amazing people who are pillars of strength. They emanate love and joy, and make a difference in every life they touch.
The other day someone was expressing their pain and sorrow this time of year because the child had been turned against her by the other parent. She hadn’t seen her child in four years and finally convinced the child to come and see her. When the child arrived, within a few hours she told her mother that she did not want to ever see her again and to “get over” the hope that they would have a relationship. I expressed sorrow at her experience and let her know that I knew of other stories similar to hers, but to stand in her truth, “stay strong” and pray that one day her daughter would have enough life experience to want a relationship with her mom.
This mom responded to me that “staying strong” was not what she wanted nor could it be something she could do. She stated that she had to feel the pain, be authentic, and live with the reality that she gave birth but her right to “mother” was taken from her after 5 years due to a high conflict divorce and purposeful brain washing of her child against her.
I stopped for a minute because that was what I meant by “staying strong” – exactly what she was saying and doing – one day at a time. That got me to thinking of what “stay strong” means to others and it is not “one size fits all” for sure.
We got to talking and all of a sudden, she broke down in tears. I was totally caught off guard. I thought maybe I had said something without realizing it, and I mentally began retracing my steps for anything that could have been offensive.
She apologized through sobs, and told me how she had not only her daughter turn against her but family steal money from her, court system abuse by proxy perpetrated on her, and her trust broken by friends as well.
My throat tightened and my heart broke. Her raw pain was impossible not to empathize with, especially because of the experiences of trusted individuals breaking that trust she had for them. In tears this strong woman seemed uncomfortable, trying to smile through them and laugh them away. In her vulnerable state, she timidly looked up at me.
“I’m so sorry,” she said as she dabbed at her eyes with a napkin, “I thought I could stay strong today but I give up on ever being strong.”
I immediately reached across the table, looked in her eyes and adamantly corrected her:
“Holding this pain inside is not strength. Having the courage to show it and make something positive out of it IS.”
Too often, I hear the wrong interpretations of what “stay strong,” means. Here’s what it does NOT mean:
Suck it up.
Don’t show your feelings.
Don’t talk about your pain.
Don’t share your experience of pain
Staying strong isn’t blocking off all emotion. Staying strong is: “I’m feeling this, and it sucks. I’m going to let myself feel it and cry and talk about it, then I’m going to move forward.”
…which is actually more difficult than holding it inside.
It takes courage to talk about feeling hurt. It takes faith to let yourself feel pain, and to remind yourself even through grief that it is transitory.
Staying strong isn’t about showing the world you never feel anything less than happy and confident. Staying strong is being brave enough to show them that you do, but that you move forward anyway.
Here are some of the elements of what I mean when I say, “Stay strong.”
Staying strong is acknowledging that you’re not a happy-machine.
Not one of us on earth is happy all the time. It’s impossible and it would be pretty boring if we were.
Be ok with not being ok. Staying strong is being with your emotions without dwelling on them constantly and living there. It means life is hard right now, its not fun, its not where you want to be, that this is temporary in most cases and possibly you need support from an outside source. It is HARD to sit with pain and struggle. The deeper you’re feeling, the more it sucks. Still, in order to move forward, you must first face what it is that’s keeping you from achieving those periods of happiness. Sitting in your emotions, feeling them and being in them is an act of strength. But don’t make it a permanent choice for yourself.
Staying strong means being able to talk about how you are feeling to someone: therapist, friend, pastor, life coach, counselor, etc. But choose the person you are talking to someone who is open to hearing you, let them know what you “want” from them in advance so there is no misunderstanding of their role for you, and then find ways to “stay strong” that works for you.
Strong people do not run away from emotions or take up negative habits to escape dealing. They face their problems, acknowledge them, and talk it out so that they may move through them.
Talking about your problems can help you find their solutions.
This element does not mean go and talk to everybody about it. It means having the courage to talk to people who are supportive and will help you through it. Talk to people you know won’t judge you. For that reason, I keep many of my talks to my therapy sessions. 🙂
Moving forward while “staying strong”
Getting up in the morning can be a struggle if you’re in pain. Strength comes when you gather yourself out of that state, and choose to move on from it.
This is the most important element of staying strong. It is all too tempting to dwell in these feelings. They suck you in like a sink hole and because they’re so intense, they make us feel alive. We can even get addicted to them.
The strong ones are the people who choose to pull themselves out of this hole, and move to higher ground. You can be that person. You can move to higher ground because now you know where the holes are.
Honestly, chances are you’ll fall into another one one of these days, but now that you’ve climbed out of one, you’ll be that much better and quicker at climbing out of the next ones.
Staying strong is the courage to face the fact that life isn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time, sometimes it is a dark valley, but allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to be wrong, to take responsibility for your life.
The truth of the matter is that we are all strong down deep inside. You choose to stay strong, or to let yourself be overcome by fear. Every moment is a choice to stay strong. So no matter what you are going through, you can make it through if you choose.