Whose Emotions Keep You in an Abusive Relationship: Yours or His? by Kathie Mathis, Psy.D
One of the most difficult questions for a victim of abuse is:
“Why do I keep staying?”
Victims are often told they stay because they are weak, dependent, afraid, or unable to make decisions. But abusive relationships are much more psychologically complex than that.
Sometimes the question that needs to be asked is different:
Whose emotions are you managing—yours or his?
In an abusive relationship, a victim may gradually become focused on managing the abuser’s emotional state.
You may find yourself thinking:
  • If I say this, he will get angry.
  • If I disagree, he will punish me.
  • If I leave, he will fall apart.
  • If I set a boundary, he will accuse me of not loving him.
  • If I tell someone, he will be humiliated.
  • Maybe I should apologize so he calms down.
  • Maybe I caused this.
  • Maybe if I am more patient, he will change.
Over time, your emotional energy can become organized around preventing his reactions.
That is not the same thing as freely choosing to stay.
The Emotional Trap
Abuse can create a powerful cycle:
His behavior → Your fear → Your accommodation → Temporary calm → Hope → Another incident → Increased fear
The victim begins monitoring the abuser’s mood, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and behavior.
You become hyperaware of whether he is angry.
You anticipate what might trigger him.
You change your behavior to prevent an explosion.
You may even feel responsible for keeping the household emotionally stable.
This is sometimes described as walking on eggshells.
But his emotions are his responsibility.
His anger is his responsibility.
His jealousy is his responsibility.
His insecurity is his responsibility.
His disappointment is his responsibility.
His decision to threaten, intimidate, manipulate, punish, or harm another person is his responsibility.
You are not responsible for regulating another adult’s emotions by sacrificing your own safety, freedom, dignity, or boundaries.
Fear Can Look Like Choice
A victim may appear to be “choosing” to remain.
But decisions made under fear, coercion, threats, financial control, isolation, intimidation, or psychological pressure are not equivalent to decisions made in a relationship characterized by genuine freedom.
You may not be staying because you want the abuse.
You may be staying because you are trying to manage the consequences of leaving.
That distinction matters.
Ask Yourself
Instead of asking only:
“Why can’t I leave?”
try asking:
“What am I afraid will happen if I stop managing his emotions?”
Then ask:
“What would I choose if I did not feel responsible for his reaction?”
These questions can help separate your emotions from the emotional burden the abuser has placed on you.
You Are Allowed to Have Emotions Too
You are allowed to be angry.
You are allowed to be afraid.
You are allowed to be exhausted.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to have boundaries.
You are allowed to protect yourself.
You are allowed to stop explaining yourself.
And you are allowed to make decisions based upon your safety and well-being, rather than constantly organizing your life around someone else’s emotional reactions.
Remember:
You are responsible for managing your emotions and your choices.
He is responsible for managing his emotions and his behavior.
When an abusive relationship teaches you to spend more time regulating his emotions than listening to your own, it may be time to recognize what has happened:
You have not simply been living in a relationship. You may have been living in emotional survival mode.
And survival is not weakness.
It is what the mind and body do when they are trying to stay safe.
If you are experiencing abuse or believe that setting a boundary or leaving could increase your risk, consider speaking privately with a qualified domestic violence advocate or other professional about safety planning before confronting or leaving the abusive person.

 

Dr. Kathie Mathis, Psy.D, DD, NCP#00775, CAMS-V, CBIF, CDVC, CDAC, CSOC, CCAC, CCAI, CLC, CSTC, CSAC, CPI;

CEO California Behavioral Institute; Presidential and FBI award recipient; author; Master Trainer; Activist/Advocate; court expert-testimony; expert in Domestic Violence perpetrators and victims; child abuse; Human trafficking; Podcaster; Trauma Specialist; TV consultant; Judicial trainer/consultant; co-Founder California Assoc. of Anger Management Providers; National Training Director NWCAVE
pronouns: she, her, hers