Stop Giving Your Abuser the Pen
There comes a moment in healing when a trauma survivor has to ask a difficult question:
“Am I still telling the story of what happened to me—or am I beginning to write the story of what happens next?”
Trauma survivors deserve compassion. What happened to you matters. The betrayal mattered. The abuse mattered. The manipulation mattered. The years you spent surviving mattered.
But healing eventually asks something different of you.
It asks you to stop giving your abuser the pen.
There is a difference between processing trauma and living inside the trauma story forever.
Processing says:
“This happened to me. I need to understand it, grieve it, feel it, and heal from it.”
Staying trapped says:
“This happened to me, and therefore it continues to determine who I am, what I believe, whom I trust, what I do, and what my future will look like.”
That distinction can change a life.
You may have been victimized.
But victimization is something that happened to you. It does not have to become your permanent identity.
At some point, the question becomes less about:
“Why did they do this to me?”
and more about:
“What am I going to do with my life now?”
That doesn’t mean pretending the abuse didn’t happen.
It doesn’t mean forgiving someone who hasn’t earned forgiveness.
It doesn’t mean minimizing what was done to you.
And it certainly doesn’t mean blaming yourself.
It means recognizing that there is a part of your life your abuser no longer gets to control.
Your next chapter.
Every time you spend another day obsessing over what your abuser said, did, posted, thought, or might do next, you risk allowing that person to occupy space in a life they no longer deserve access to.
Your healing cannot depend upon your abuser finally understanding what they did.
They may never understand.
They may never apologize.
They may continue to rewrite history, deny responsibility, manipulate others, or portray themselves as the victim.
Let them own their story.
You need to reclaim yours.
Trauma recovery is not simply learning how to talk about what happened.
It is learning how to live beyond it.
It is rebuilding your confidence.
Learning to regulate your emotions.
Recognizing your triggers.
Changing the beliefs trauma taught you about yourself.
Establishing boundaries.
Choosing healthier relationships.
Taking care of your body.
Rebuilding your finances, career, friendships, spirituality, dreams, and sense of purpose.
It is learning to make decisions from who you are becoming, rather than from what someone did to you.
And yes, there may be days when you need to cry.
There may be days when anger returns.
There may be days when a memory knocks the air out of you.
Healing isn’t pretending you don’t hurt.
Healing is refusing to let the hurt become the driver of your life.
Your pain deserves a voice.
But it should not have the final vote.
There is a powerful moment in recovery when you realize:
“I don’t need to spend the rest of my life proving that they hurt me. I need to start proving to myself that I can build a life they cannot destroy.”
That is empowerment.
Not forgetting.
Not minimizing.
Not excusing.
Reclaiming.
You survived what happened.
Now begin surviving less—and living more.
Your abuser may have written a chapter in your story.
But they do not get to write the ending.
Take the pen back.
And write something they never expected:
A life that belongs entirely to you!
Kathie Mathis, Psy.D