When grief and loss invades our lives, we are changed forever. We will never be “like before” but we can have by creating a new normal including the grief and loss with work, attitude, and time. If there are surviving children, they will need support, counseling and attention as well. They might feel “they are not important” because all focus is on the loss of someone; managing our own emotions; and possibly friends, relatives, media and other people like police, private investigators, etc. also focusing on the loss of a family member. So one needs to ask for help and try your best to remain as near normal as possible to provide emotional support to them. This can be difficult because you may be struggling yourself so reach out to people who offered to help you, call someone if they didn’t offer to help you, but remember you can’t do this process alone and get help from others. This can look like making sure there is a pet for you and the children to use and love as pet therapy; asking friend, relative to be a surrogate parent for a time; have your children go to friends homes to play and have some normalicy in their lives; you taking time each day to do something with your child/children and let’s not forget each other as adults – being there for each of us; and lastly to be Patient with everyone in the family during this time. We know that anger becomes a part of our recovery process and getting therapy or having a life coach specializing in grief and loss is important.
There are lots of books for children and adults on grief and loss. Video’s, YouTube, can be helpful. We are resilient and its okay to not be okay during this process but remember reassurance of love for them, love for each other, and love for the loved one loss requires honoring them by moving forward and remembering their life in a positive way.
One never gets over the loss of a child to murder much less an adult. My mother never got over the loss of my youngest brother and reminded us for the rest of her life of his birthday, stories of his life, and how much he was loved along with the rest of his siblings. In fact, when she died she was buried with him. Believe you can make it through your loss and survive because you can and your children deserve you to do so for them. Modeling for them how one grieves is an important lesson they can share and use for the rest of their lives.
There may come a time when family and friends tell you it is “time to move on” because they think they know how long grief and loss should take. Remember this – they don’t know what they are talking about but they do know how your loss is affecting them and they want you to move on so they can feel comfortable – so its about them. Do not feel like you are not “doing” loss recovery correctly. If you are in a grief and loss support group, if you are in grief and loss counseling, if you are honoring the person you lost by daily finding your “new” way of living, then you are doing recovery well.
No one has all the answers for grief and loss, but the professionals do have support tools, recommendations of things to try, and appropriate tools for the age and level of those grieving. They can also help you to re-attach to hope and your future life and what it can look like and be if you choose. Hope can be taught and felt. Remembering the life and love of the one who died is a gift one can take with them through recovery of the loss. HereA are some books you can refer to if you would like:
Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers
When Death Walks In
Women in Mourning
Remembering with Love
Heartworks
Love Never Dies