Coercive Control Relationship!
by Kathie Mathis, Psy.D, CAMS-V, NCP#07755
Some of you didn’t go looking for this…
You were pulled into it.
Not all at once—
but over time.
Through intimidation.
Through threats.
Through experiences that slowly taught you what was “safe” and what wasn’t.
You thought you were building a family.
But what was really happening…
is you were being studied.
Watched.
Tested.
Conditioned.
Pushed in ways you didn’t fully see yet.
And every time you reacted—
which is what any human nervous system would do—
that reaction was used against you.
That’s not dysfunction.
That’s a pattern.
This wasn’t random chaos.
It was control.
A mix of manipulation, coercion, and tactics like DARVO—
where your reality gets flipped,
your voice gets questioned,
and your responses get used to discredit you.
So you adapted.
Because that’s what humans do to survive.
You started noticing patterns.
You became aware of triggers.
You learned timing.
You learned when to speak…
and when it wasn’t safe to.
You understood—sometimes without words—
that there were consequences for not complying.
And over time, something shifted.
You don’t react the same.
You don’t argue the same.
You don’t move the same.
You don’t think the same.
Because you’ve had to learn how to survive in an unsafe environment.
That’s not weakness.
That’s adaptation.
That’s what happens when someone has been under prolonged control.
And it changes you.
Not by choice—
but by circumstance.
So now you find yourself protecting.
Protecting your peace.
Protecting your children.
And maybe also realizing…
you were not protected the way you should have been.
That matters.
Because this is where the shift begins.
You start turning your experiences into awareness.
Your pain into something that moves you forward.
Your scars into something that holds meaning—not shame.
You are not easily broken—
not after surviving something like this.
And as you come back to yourself…
You stop chasing.
You stop over-explaining.
You stop shrinking to make things easier for others.
You begin to stand.
Not loud.
Not reactive.
But grounded.
Clear in what matters to you.
Steady in your presence.
Less pulled into chaos that was never yours to carry.
You tell the truth—your truth.
You hold your boundaries.
And you allow others to respond however they choose.
Because real power isn’t about control.
It’s about alignment.
And when someone is aligned with themselves—
they don’t have to fight the storm anymore.
They learn how to steady themselves within it while they navigate through it and ultimately
They calm it!